Wordless Wednesday - Stress Reduction Kit

*I have no idea where this came from so if you do, please let me know so I can give proper credit.

I was just thinking...

Why are laundry and bowel movements alike?

Dropping a load a day sure helps keep things cleaned out.

tee hee hee... that's what you get for making me actually DO something today!

Outtakes - Papertowel Perplexion

Kids STILL say the darndest things!

I walked into the public restroom to find a little girl waving her hands in the air while talking to her mommy who was still in the stall:

Mommy: Are you washing your hands?
Cutiepie:  Yes, Mommy. I finished.
Mommy: Okay. Dry your hands and stay right there. I'll be out in a minute.
Cutiepie:  I can't, Mommy.
Mommy: Why not?
Cutiepie, still waving her hands in the air: The towels won't come out.

It was then that I realized why she was waving her her hands around: she was standing in front of the old crank-style papertowel despenser trying to activate a sensor to get a towel. After stifling a chuckle I helped her get one.

Cutiepie to me: Thank you, Ma'am.


Mommy (who was obviously having some serious potty issues and thus unable to come out to check on who was with her daughter): Sarah, are you still there? Is everything alright?

Sarah, to her mother (at which point I literally snorted out a chuckle): Yes, Mommy. This old lady knew how to make it work.

Mommy: Sarah!

Just then another stall opened up and I entered, sparing the poor mother the humiliation of having to face me. While it was the funniest stinkin' thing I'd heard in a while, I knew from experience that Mommy would have been mortified to have had look me in the eye.

Peace, Blessings, and Never doubt that Old Dogs with their Old Tricks do sometimes come in handy!

Boomer Humor

I got this from a friend via email. Have no idea where she got it but I love it and just had to share!

Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:


Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr --- I Get by With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem --- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again


And Last but NOT least, my personal anthem

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Goodbye NV. You will be missed.

I met NV in October of 2008. We quickly became fast friends --most always joined at the hip. NV was the smartest little thing that I'd ever seen. I was totally amazed at how quickly she could retrieve a world of information from the recesses of her busy mind. Her ability to identify any song by not only its name but also the artist and album from which it came was astounding. I tend to get lost because of an horrendous lack of any sense of direction. NV, however, had this built-in navigational sense that kept us from ending up in south BFE more times that I can remember.

Late this afternoon, in a misguided attempt to become an Olympic swimmer, NV dove head-first into the shallow end of our pool. Sadly, despite my heroic efforts to fish her out as quickly as possible, she drowned. Mostly because there was no friggin way I was jumping into 60 degree water to save a suicidal CELL PHONE!






RIP Sweet NV. Your replacement comes tomorrow. With any luck the insurance company won't have any more of your siblings and they'll have to send me your nephew, Envy 3. At least then your death won't have been in vain.

Peace, Blessings, and Where the heck is that dang UPS delivery truck???????

Evil in a box.

Seems like everywhere I turn these days I'm being attacked by The Evil One. No! Not that Evil One. His meaner, eviler twin brother, Bebellyzebub. What? You really thought all that bad stuff could be created by just one of 'em?? NO WAY!! Anyhow...

I really began noticing it about a month ago when I started being accosted by his cute little green-vested and brown-sashed minions as I tried to exit the grocery store with my bags full of less expensive junk food healthy, nutritious snacks. I know they were evil because I was immediately overcome with the irresistibly lustful NEED, yes I say NEEEED!, to purchase at least two boxes of their sinful delights on every shopping trip. Then, while looking for a periodic table to include in Bug's new company website (to be announced later!!), I found this. (Click it to make it bigger. Really. Click it!)

Imsebeus, I dell ooo. Viabowicly imsebeus! Oh, sorry. I was talking with a couple of dunked Trefoils food in my mouth. Now that I've washed the sin down with some cold milk, what I said was:

Insidious, I tell you. Diabolically insidious!

Bebellyzebub has even found ways to infiltrate the best sources of healthful holiness. I recently learned about something called the Joy Fit Club for "...determined people who have lost and kept off 100 pounds or more...." WOW! My heart 'bout exploded right outta my chest, I got so excited. See, I don't know anyone else in the real world who has 100+ pounds they need to lose, so seeing all these people succeed at it really got me motivated. I eagerly jumped onto the Today Show website to watch this video:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

You don't see them in this embedded version, but when you watch it on the site they play commercials between video segments and place advertisers' (AKA Bebellyzebub's silk-suited hawkers) bugs or teasers below the video screen. Here's the advertisement I saw when I was watching:

Hmmm... Dove. Just for you. And if you click on the picture you'll see that at the very bottom of the copy they added in the faintest of print, "My moment. My Dove" AACK! But, I'm a strong woman on a mission, I thought. I can ignore that commercial. Bebellyzebub's demons weren't quite done with me yet, though!

What do you see on this screen: Salmon salad or DOOOOVE CHOOOCOLAAAATE?? I got up to get a drink of water and clear my head before continuing.

The next great food suggestion was

But all I could see was CHOOOCOLAAAATE. Even as I sit here typing this my head is starting to swim and my mouth is beginning to water. This is EVIL, I TELL YOU!! I couldn't even listen to what they were saying much less read the screen titles because ...

CHOOOCOLAAAATE... Take it off today, my butt! The only thing I wanted to take off was the wrapper!

I finally just gave up and headed to the bank. That should be safe, right! NOT! Now, we all know that bankers are notorious for finding clever ways to extract as much money from our pockets as possible. However, I never thought they would stoop THIS low!

They actually had the audacity to put stacks and baskets of these on every available flat surface in the building. And then they dressed a couple of the shorter demons in little league baseball uniforms and had 'em stand there all big-eyed and cute making it totally IMPOSSIBLE to leave without buying a box. Or 3.

Needless to say, I won't be joining the Joy Fit club anytime soon. Now if you'll excuse me, the neighbor's high school band kid is at my door wanting me to look over their fund raiser catalogue. Do you think if I hung a cross and some garlic on the front porch it'd discourage the rest of the neighborhood demons from trying, too? Probably not. They'd just dip it in chocolate and try to sell me that, too! And I'd probably buy one. Or 3.

Peace and Joy Fit blessings to all.

WOCKA! WOCKA!

WOOHOO! I just noticed that sometime recently I topped 10,000 visits from people who may or may not think that I'm totally insane. Heck, half the time I'm not even sure, so I went searching for a scientific process by which to determine my level of mental stability. And this is what I found.


The Muppet Personality Test

"Wocka! Wocka!"
You're the life of the party, and you love making people crack up.
If only your routine didn't always bomb!
You may find more groans than laughs, but always keep the jokes coming.

	You Are Fozzie Bear

Scares the fuzz right off my backside to think how accurate this test is. Ain't scientific research providin' some amazin' modern advancements!

Peace, Blessings, Thanks for stopping by, and WOCKA! WOCKA!

MALE SWIMMERS - Who knew??

** Warning - this one may raise some questions you have an interesting time answering.**

Burghbaby Twittered that she needed a middle name for her new puppy today. She wanted one that starts with "J" and reflects his love of swimming. After immediately thinking of Jacques (as in Cousteau) I wondered what other famous male swimmers there might be with names beginning with J. So I entered a Yahoo search for "famous swimmers." The results looked promising:



I know that's kind of hard to read, but if you click the picture it will open the selection list for you. That very first entry says:

History, Famous Swimmers, Swimming Animals, Swimming Stars, Great Swimmers
Information on the history of swimming, famous swimmers from ocean swimmers through Olympians, and a look at a variety of swimming animals.swimming.about.com/od/swimhistoryandstars/... - Cached
Olympic Swimmers Bios and Profiles of Other Aquatic Stars

Cool! I'm thinking this is going to give me a great list of swimmers, and it did. However they were all mixed in together, male and female, and not really all swimmers. Some were polo players and coaches. I wanted just a list of famous male swimmers. Scanning the page I spotted the words "male swimmers" in the lower left-hand corner. Bingo! I'm thinking that ya gotta love About.com. They always come through! How shocked do you think I was when THIS is what they came through with??

Again, I know it's kind of hard to read so you can click the image to open the actual page. However, if you don't want to do that, for your reading convenience I've pasted the page's contents below. Who knew the words "male swimmers" were so rife with possible responses!

• About.com: Swimmers
  Swimming Offers > Male Swimmers
  Sponsored Links
  zSB(1)
  Sponsored Links
  Dirty Guy Parts?Clean Him Up With the Axe Detailer Shower Tool.www.Drugstore.com/Products
  Size in 30 days or lessIncrease size, volume and endurance in 30 days or less. 110% Guaranteedwww.ErosLaboratories.com/Results
  Older MaleFree to Join. 1000's of pictures & videos of Beautiful Senior Singleswww.SeniorPeopleMeet.com
  Casual Male Official SiteSale & Clearance on Select Big & Tall Clothing. Shop Now Online!www.CasualMale.com
  Featured on 60 MinutesCelebrity & Athlete Research View Industry Reports online NowEpollresearch.com
  Male Genital Wart PictureMale Genital Wart Picture. Pictures, Treatments, and Info.HealthUnit.org
  Gold Medal GreatsBook Gold Medalist for appearances, keynote speaking, and endorsementswww.GoldMedalGreats.com
  SwimmersEverything to do with Swimmers items.Yahoo.com
  Male Hormone ReplacementPrescribed HGH and Testosterone therapy for men over 35.AntiAgingGroup.com

Peace, Blessings, and Swimming success to all!

Port-O-Potty Fishing

Heather's Great Port-a-Potty Adventure reminded me of something I hadn't thought of in years.

Twig was about 3 when Bug was playing T-ball. The local field had a plumbing problem that year and brought in P-O-Ps to... ummm.. relieve the problem. Half way through Bug's game, Twig HAAAAAAD to go NOOOOWWWW!!!! The smell hit us before we ever opened the door. I tried to talk him into just going behind the bushes, but NOOO.

Once inside I realized that the quarters were way too tight for me to be able to help him get his pants off and back on. The only easy way was to leave the door open. Twig, however, even at the tender age of 3, was a modest little guy and would have no part of pulling his pants down in front of the whole world. After a couple minutes of him screaming, "Noooo Mooommyyy!! Cwose it! Cwose it!" I gave up and squeezed in beside him.

We had just managed to get his britches off when he realized that this was no ordinary potty. When he saw the bottomless pit over which he was expected to dangle his exposed derriere he began grabbing at me like some wild baboon trying to keep from falling out of a tree. He was sure he was about to fall in and never get out again. It was about then that I heard the keys hit the hard plastic surface. All I had time for was a quick shriek before they slid over the edge and vanished into the murky depths of port-o-potty hell, taking my stomach with them. Hubby was out of town and that keyring held the only set of keys I had to both the house and the truck.
I immediately grabbed Twig, forgetting that his pants were still down around his ankles, and hightailed it, with a screaming child tucked under my arm, for the concession stand. The whole way there I kept praying that there was something I could use to fish out the keys. All they had was a wire coat hanger that, as it turned out, wasn't long enough to reach the bottom of the muck. One of the dads came up with a ball of twine out of his tool box. And thus was invented a new Saturday-evening-at-the-ball park event: Port-o-Potty fishing.

For the next 2 or so hours every man within a 1/2 mile radius had to try his hand at port-o-potty fishing. Each just knew that if you hooked your wrist this way, or held your mouth that way, or dragged the string the other way, that he could land his prey. We never did get the keys back, and you do NOT want to know what all else was hooked!

I'd love to be around a thousand years from now when some archaeologist happens on that particular ... er... dump sight and finds a set of keys to a 1985 Ford F150 embedded in the remains. I wonder what weird conclusions they'll draw about the eating habits of the human inhabitants of that region. If you don't think that's ever gonna happen, go check out this article. It may just make you take a little bit closer look at the funny looking rock you pull out of the ground the next time you are out gardening.

And, not to worry you or anything, but beware the next time you enter a portable public facility. You may get this surprise on the way out:




Love, Blessings and Port-o-Peace to you all.

SATURDAY GIGGLES: Employee of the Month

Got this from my very cool friend, Jules, whom I miss like crazy.

=====================

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything-under-one-roof” department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin.' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says '$101,237.65'.

The boss says '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishin’ and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing...

=========================

An angler is a man who spends rainy days sitting around on the muddy banks of rivers doing nothing because his wife won't let him do it at home. ~Author Unknown

Have a great weekend!

Questions that haunt me...

One of my really cool friends sent me this a while back. Can't remember who or exactly when because I deleted the email when I dropped it in here as a draft post. I ran across it again while trying to come up with something clever and amusing to write on my own. Ain't happenin! Hasn't happened for two blasted weeks! Sooo... Rather than not post anything I figured I'd pass on this old chestnut just in case you never thought about this stuff. Have a great day and I promise that as soon as my brain starts functioning again I will post something original.

Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Important Notice from the DTD

Contagious Neck Rash Identified by Dumbbutt Teenagers Department (DTD)

(Illustration only - not an actual picture of this particular outbreak)



Houston, Texas (September 9, 2008) - Damama T, Zookeeper and Warden President and Founder of the DTD, today issued a health alert to the parents of all teens. The DTD has uncovered a potential health threat to teens as evidenced by a recent and unexplained outbreak of Purple Neck Rash syndrome in the home offices of the DTD. The malady seems to primarily effect females between the ages of 17 and 18 and usually appears after bouts of exertion such as going out on a date. While males may also be effected, the DTD has not yet seen any first-hand cases.

In an effort to stem the spread of this unsightly and often painful disease, Damama T has issued official warnings to the male most recently in contact with the DTD's resident disease carrier citing the need to refrain from applying any oral pressure to the effected area thus causing further spread of the rash. Doing so could potentially result in the parent's need to take whatever steps are necessary to contain this outbreak, up to and including indefinite quarantine of the afflicted teen.

Any parent observing Purple Neck Rash syndrome should use extreme caution when examining the discoloration as the teen carrier may exhibit signs of excessive agitation. Continued attempts at examination may incite the patient to bellow that the examiner is "out of your flipping mind and too stupid to know what you are looking at! IT IS JUST A RASH!" Additionally, upon learning that the DTD intends to notify the boyfriend other potential victims of the appearance of the rash, the teen may lose total control and resolve into a fit of the hysterical screaming mimis. Parents should not take this behavior personally as it is a normal part of the progression of the disease.

The discoloration will resolve on its own within one to two weeks, usually leaving no permanent scarring, but this does not mean that the patient has acquired an immunity to the disease. Reappearance of PNR is not uncommon as teens tend to regularly cross-contaminate each other. However, with any luck the fear of future extended quarantines may provide enough behavior modification to reduce the number of outbreaks.

For additional information on why teens do what they do, the DTD highly recommends that parents read: Teenage Brain Development. This scientific article has played a huge role in the reduction in the number of murderous thoughts experienced by the staff of the DTD. Hopefully it will help others, too. (For real.. no joke. Go read it!)

Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. ~Karen Savage and Patricia Adams, The Good Stepmother

And then the fight started...

Margie sent me this email... Had to share. And there was no way I was going to share the email without including one of my all time favorite Muppets videos. Grab a cup of your favorite liquid and have a giggle...


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started...

****************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...

****************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

****************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver, who happened to be a little person, got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and, right or wrong, some things just seem funny? Well, this was one of those times. He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started...

****************

He said, put another log on the fire. And then the fight started...

LOL!! Sorry guys (as in male readers), I really couldn't resist. And we do owe a huge debt of gratitude to all of your buds (not YOU, of course!) who so unwittingly give us gals such great blog fodder! Without it, none of us would be laughing right now!



TTFN!

Random fun - Memes and a really odd test...

I got this fun bit of fluff from Jules over at Just Because:



16


That would be 16 as long as none of them were trained as well as THIS KID. Then I probably couldn't handle more than two at a time. (Who am I kidding - I'd be KO'd in 2 seconds flat!)

I'd hope they didn't have THIS KID announcing in the background, because then I'd be laughing so hard I couldn't defend myself. LOL! (Can't embed the video because they have it blocked, but you HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE to go take a peek. He is tooo cute!)

Have a great Monday! I'll be back live and in person soon. This time I plan on sharing lots of photos... I hope.

Baby Piglechaun

Burgh Baby's Mom has developed an unnatural obsession with some of the ugliest babydolls on the face of the earth. Her latest crush, in my opinion, is the unholy spawn of a union between Miss Piggy and The Leprechaun. Take a look at this and tell me (and her) if you agree.

Oh, nuts!

Time to lighten it up a bit, folks...

A traveling salesman was greeted at the door by one of the sweetest little old ladies he'd met in ages. After chatting a moment, she invited him in to rest a spell and offered to bring him something cold to drink.

After accepting her kind offer, he sat down on the couch to await her return from the kitchen. On the table he noticed a bowl of mixed nuts. Suddenly realizing how hungry he was, he decided that the woman wouldn't mind if he helped himself. He'd already finished one handful and was reaching for more when the sweet granny returned with some fresh-squeezed lemonade.

"I hope you don't mind that I helped myself to your nuts, ma'am," he said.

To which she replied, "Oh heavens no, dear. I don't mind a bit. I always hate to see them go to waste after I've sucked all the chocolate off ."

Don't Breathe

For the first time in ages, I'm truly speechless. Mostly because I CAN'T breathe from laughing so hard! HAPPY SATURDAY, ALL!

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this....

I was an idiot too, and neeeded company....

Thanks, agan, to Margie. She got me with this one. Couldn't resist getting you, too!

Hoohoo would have believed it?

PARENTAL WARNING: This one may raise some questions you don't want to have to answer! Read it before your kids do!
=====================================

God love my friend, Margie! She keeps me in stitches most of the time with her funny emails. This little story is one she sent me. I checked it out on Snopes. It is apparently a TRUE STORY!!

DRINK SPEW WARNING: Do not read this while you are drinking anything (AZMom) or you may spew it all over the screen when you get to the last line!

True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring!

MMMMM... nuff said.

WHILE I'M AWAY...

... the cats will play.

Well, crew, I'm off again on another family "adventure." This time to Dallas to help get my elderly aunt moved into an assisted living facility. But I couldn't leave without providing a parting giggle or two. Enjoy!

EXCERPTS FROM YOUR PETS' DIARIES

FROM THE DOG

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!

4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!...

FROM THE CAT

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...