The Squirrel's Tale

Sorry folks... he did this while I was out yesterday and after all I put him through, I didn't have the heart to erase it. Warning - it's long but very interesting. Enjoy.

Dear Peoples,

Hello. My name is Hunker D. Squirrel, and I would like to take this opportunity while the crazy blonde lady is away from here for a while to tell you about what she did to me. One day a few weeks back I was mindin’ my own business, layin’ in the middle of the street restin’ after havin’ the nuts scared out of me by some goofball in a speedin’ car who'd had almost squished my tail. I was just startin’ to think about movin’ on when this woman drives by and sees me. Now, unlike the rest of the relatively sane people who passed by, this woman apparently felt the overwhelming need to turn around and see if I was dead or what. She pulled her car right up next to me so close I thought for a minute there that she was gonna finish what the goofball had started. When she got out of the car I laid there lookin’ at her expectin’ her to notice that I wasn’t bleedin’ or anything and then go on, but NOOOOO, she has to be one of those peoples who think they know better about everything and so she decides that I need help!

Now I know you are probably wonderin’, as I myself have wondered several times since then, why I didn’t just take off runnin’ when she went back to her car to get a net to scoop me up with. Well, I guess I was just so curious about what the heck she was up to that by the time it dawned on me what she was doin’ she already had me in a big orange bag and had cinched down the drawstring so I couldn’t get out. And to tell the truth, once she put me in the car on that nice soft seat I did realize that maybe I wasn’t quite as OK as I’d thought and so decided that I might as well take advantage of the soft, dark, warm place and take a nap. Well, that plan lasted about 5 minutes. I’d almost drowsed off when her loud, insistent, irritating voice startled me back awake. She spent the next 15 minutes makin’ phone call after phone call tryin’ to find a rehabber to take me to. Now why she thought I needed to go to rehab really confused me. I’m not like that wino rat that lives 3 trees over. And I never eat the loco weed and go crazy dancin’ in the moonlight like old Billy Bunny does. Maybe she thought that I was drunk ‘cuz I didn’t run from her??? Well, I could have told her, curiosity may have killed the cat, but it caught this squirrel! Anyway, I digress…

She finally talked to the rehab lady and found out that she was gonna be gone for a while which meant I’d be stuck in the bag until the rehab lady called back to say she was ready to take me off the crazy lady’s hands. At that point, Her Craziness decided to go ahead and go on to her friend’s house to await the rehab lady’s call. I was never so glad to hear a car door close as I was when she left me in the car to go into the house. She’d parked in the shade and left the windows rolled half way down and a nice cool breeze blew across the bag makin’ for perrrrfect nappin’ conditions.

I don’t know how long I slept, but when I woke up I felt much better. The twitchy, jitteries in my legs had completely stopped. I was a little stiff, though, so I stretched reaaal big and rolled back and forth a couple of times just to be sure everything else felt OK, and it mostly did except for a bit of a sharp pain in one side, but I figured that’d go away soon enough, too. I’m not the young pup I use to be, so a few aches and pains are to be expected. Anyway, as I was movin’ around, I noticed that I had loosened the bag’s opening some. I stuck my nose up to the bag to see if I could smell Ms. Nut Job anywhere close by, and when I didn’t I WENT FOR IT! It didn’t take but a couple of tries and I had the bag open enough to be able to climb out, but I miscalculated where the bag was pointed and ended up down on the floorboard in front of the passenger seat. Well, all that effort got my side really hurtin’ so I thought I’d just rest there a minute. BIG MISTAKE! That decision ended up costin’ me a couple hours of pure misery!

I’d just about decided that I could stand the pain in my side long enough to climb back up onto the seat and jump out the window when I heard that voice comin’ t’ward the car. During the split second I hesitated before actin’, she saw me see her through the driver’s side window. I had one, all consuming thought scream through my head: HIDE! And I proceeded to do just that. In the nearest available dark spot: the dashboard of her car.

Yes, upon reflection I DO realize that this was NOT the best possible choice. But I didn’t get the name Hunker Down by bein’ the one to take off runnin’ at the first sign of trouble. I much prefer to find a dark, tight hole to crawl in. And there in the dashboard of that car, snug behind the steering wheel, it was nice and tight and dark. I figured I’d just wait her out. Once again – bad decision.

Now I have to give her some credit here for not screamin’ like a banshee when she realized I was actually loose in the car. Instead, she just started laughin’ sayin’, “Oh honey, what have you done??” I’m not sure if she was talkin’ to me or herself, but she was still laughin’ as she headed back inside the house. In a few minutes, here she came again. This time, with someone she called Ed in tow. I guess she figured Ed, bein’ a man and all, would know something about how to get a half crazed squirrel out of his hidin’ place, and he did shed some light on the subject – literally. Suddenly my nice dark cubby was flooded with light. Ed had pulled the side panel off the dashboard and his hairy face was leering at me through the opening. To my gratification he told the still laughin’ crazy lady that there was no way they were gonna be able to pull me out of there. They were just gonna have to open the doors and go back in the house and watch to see if I’d climb out on my own. Now that was the grandest idea I’d heard all day and couldn’t wait for them to get far enough away that they couldn’t get to me before I could escape.

As soon as I heard that house door close and started to back out of my hole I realized that my side was still achin’ pretty bad and so I was gonna have to take my time gettin’ down. I’d moved about 6 inches when I’ll be danged if that daft old lady didn’t head back to the car sayin’ something about maybe I was thirsty and some water would tempt me out. Naturally, I stopped right where I was to wait until she put the bowl of water down and left. Problem was, I never heard the house door close again, so I wasn’t sure if she was still standin’ there or not and I wasn’t about to go find out, no matter how tasty that water looked. I’d heard stories about what goes on in a rehab (Billy Bunny get’s real talkative when he gets into the loco weed), and I wasn’t about to give her a chance to catch me and put me back in that bag. So there I sat, waitin’ to hear the door slam so I could make a quick getaway. You’d think at some point my luck would improve, but not a chance as long as Ms. Batty Broad and old Hairy Faced Ed were around!

Next thing I know, here they come again sayin’ somethin’ about stinkin’ me out??? What?? And just how did they think they were gonna do that? I’ve lived next door to a family of skunks for 5 years and if that hadn’t made me move I didn’t figure these peoples could come up with anything that would budge me now. I was wrong.

The first thing they tried was puttin’ a bowl of somethin’ nasty smellin’ on the floor apparently hopin’ the fumes would crawl up into the dash and thereby cause me to make a run for it. However, they neglected to take into consideration that the same nice cool breeze that was so comfy to nap in would carry most of the smell away before it got to me. Once that fact became evident, though, my real agony started because Ed decided that more proactive measures were in order.

Ed left for a minute and when he came back he had some contraption that looked like a huge black straw attached to a yellow canvas bag. He told Ms. Wacko to soak a paper towel in the ammonia (ahh, that’s what that stuff was!) and hand it to him. He then held the wet towel in front of the big black tube and turned on the contraption which roared into action blowin’ that foul smellin’ concoction right at me! Well, after about 5 seconds of that I figured out two things: 1. My side didn’t hurt as bad as that stuff smelled, and 2. Mr. Skunkels was in for a big surprise when I got home and could finally pay back him and his boys for the time they decided it would be a funny practical joke to re-oderize my home. Smell this, sucker! Heh, heh, heh. That whole thought process took about ½ a second and, before the peoples could grab me, I skittered out of my cubby, back down into the floorboard and, for some reason I will never, never, never understand, BACK UP INTO THE DASHBOARD on the passenger side of the car! The door was open. Why didn’t I just head for the hills?? The only logical explanation I can come up with is that maybe those fumes had clouded my judgment?? I guess I’ll never really know for sure because the crazy lady didn’t give me enough time to really think about it. When I realized what I’d done I stopped to give myself a minute to regroup and figure my next move and only then did I further realize the folly of my ways.

Having seen Ed do it, that demented dame figured out pretty quickly how to get the side panel off the other end of the dashboard. But, since I’d stopped short this time, she couldn’t see me through the hole. Then Ed suggested she open the glove box door and sure enough, I’d been stupid enough to stop at a point where the lower part of my body was hangin’ half down into the glove compartment. Well, the next thing I know, that blasted old bat had grabbed my foot and was trying to pull me loose. Now I may be an old squirrel, but I can take the youngsters in a tree climbing race any day and you don’t do that by bein’ a weakling. I just latched onto the inside of that dash board and waited for her to give up on tryin’ to jerk me out of there… which didn’t take long, especially since Ed was yellin’ at her to let me go ‘cuz she was gonna get bit. Now don’t get me wrong, if I could have reached her without lettin’ go, I’d have taken a chunk out of her fat claw. After all, she did deserve it for bein’ so very, very stupid, but then she’d have had the opportunity to get me back in that bag, so I just hung on till she finally did let go and closed the glove box door.

Now what happened next, I’m not sure because I seem to have dozed off for a little while. What woke me up was once again that annoying voice talkin’ on the phone to the peoples at Animal Control askin’ if they knew of any way to get me out of her car. Apparently they said they had an idea because she said she’d be there in 10 minutes. Next she made a call to somebody named Tanya about keepin’ her daughter for a little while longer. Then I heard her say, “Hey, I have to go. The firemen are out there washing their trucks. I wonder if …” the rest of it was said so mumbled that I couldn’t understand it, but I was thinkin’, FIREMEN!! HOORAH! I’M SAVED! I knew that firemen had helped lots of my friends out of tight situations and I figured they’d know just what to do to get me safely away from the fruitcake of a woman.

I felt the car come to a stop and heard her holler to someone, “HI! I have a silly question.” (duh.. did she have any other kind of thoughts??) There was a muffled response from outside the car that I couldn’t hear, but she continued, “You guys have those big, heavy gloves that fire can’t burn through, right?” The fireman that came to the window said yes they did. “Well,” she said, “do you think a squirrel could bite through them?” Now, I was looking through the side panel hole at the mirror and saw about 6 heads pop up from behind fire trucks when they heard the word squirrel. A young, blonde fireman came over to the window and asked why she wanted to know.

She laughed again and asked, “Do you know anything about squirrels?”

“That they taste good,” he replied as a bunch of other firemen gathered around wantin’ to know why this goofy lady was askin’ about gloves and squirrels. “Why do you ask?”

“Well,” she chortled, “I’ve got one trapped in my car and if you can catch it you can eat it.” Then she popped opened the glove box and pointed to my danglin’ nether regions. OH GREAT! Now I had somethin’ even worse than rehab to worry about. Thank goodness the guy was just kiddin’ and declined her offer of a free dinner on me.

As male peoples tend to do in times of crisis, they headed for the tool box and within mere minutes they were all brainstormin’ on the best way to get at me. I never in my life wished more that I was bilingual than I did at that very moment, because then I could have told ‘em that if they’d just get her to go away for a while I’d gladly come out and head back home on my own! But nope, there she stood, on point ready to grab me and chunk me back in that bag, and I’d rather be skinned alive for a winter hat than go willingly to a rehab.

The first big thinkin’ fireman went into the fire house and came back with his firecoat and a pair of those big, bulky gloves on. He planned on grabbin’ me but didn’t want to get bit in the process. I wished I could tell him that the only one I wanted to bite was the bimbo who got me into this mess in the first place, but again, I digress. Now, this big, strong, brave fireman, while on the right track with the idea of pickin’ me up went about it in completely the wrong way – he tried to grab me by my tail. Apparently he's had no experience with critters of my ilk or he would have known that YOU CAN’T CATCH A SQUIRREL BY THE TAIL, ESPECIALLY WHILE WEARIN’ BIG BULKY GLOVES. Underneath all my pretty, fluffy tail fur is a very skinny, typical rodent tail which I simply pulled up and out of his hand. With those gloves on, all he managed to do was pull out some of my fluff which stung like the dickens and royally ticked me off! How would he like havin’ his tail hair pulled out by the roots?? Well, when he reached for me again I skedaddled up as far as I could into the corner of the dash behind the struts that hold it to the car’s frame. And quicker than you can spit, I tucked my tall under me and backed into the tightest crack I could find. Come try to get me now, glove boy! And he did try, but those gloves kept him from gettin’ anywhere close. So now the rest of the guys kicked in to high gear, more determined than ever to save the poor lady from the crazy squirrel. Yeah, right. We all know who the crazy one was in this story!

First, they pulled the glove box completely off so they could get a better look at my hidin’ place. I was so far up there they actually had to get a flashlight to find me! They poked and prodded and tried to get me to budge, but I wasn’t goin’ anywhere as long as she was in sight. I just scooched further back into my tight little spot and grinned at their futile efforts to get at me. When they finally figured out that they couldn’t reach me from the front, some of them decided it might work to come in from the back and started talkin’ about how best to take off the wall at the back of the engine. That’s when the lady from Animal Control finally arrived. One look at her and I knew that she had real squirrel sense. And she proved it by tellin’ the helpful firemen that she’d take over from there.

After checkin’ on my whereabouts for herself and seein’ that I wasn’t in any danger of gettin’ hurt, the nice Animal Control lady had Mama Flake follow her back to the Animal Control office and gave her a private dinin’ room for me to use if I chose to come out later, and, God love her soul, she told Ms. Nutso how to put all my favorite snacks in it. Then she instructed her to drive to her house, park the car, and leave me the heck alone for the rest of the night. She said it was my choice if I wanted to stay put or come out later and get myself a midnight snack. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I wanted to come back and marry that lady!

Well, by now it was nearly 7 p.m. The goofball had tried to kill me right after lunch, so this whole ordeal had been going on for about 6 hours and I was famished, so it didn’t take long for me to decide to grab a quick snack after Ms. Wacko finally left me alone in the car. I had come out of the dashboard and was just about to jump into my private dinin’ room when I’ll be darned if that crazy woman’s whole family didn’t show up, starin’ at me through the rolled up car windows. By then, though, I was just too tired to try to beat a hasty retreat back into my dark hole. I just sat there starin’ back at them. Thank heavens they were hungry too and decided to go out to get some dinner instead of expectin’ me to share mine.

After they were gone, I tried to get into my room, but that blasted female pain in my bushy tail hadn’t opened the door right and it snapped shut before I could get in there! I sat there for the next what seemed like an eternity just starin’ at my food with my mouth waterin’ and thinkin’ of as many ways as I could to sink my teeth into that blonde nutcase the next time she got in the car.

A while later I heard them comin’ back and skittered right under the driver’s seat, hunkered down and waited for her to sit down so I could have my revenge. I didn’t count on her noticin’ that I wasn’t in the dinin’ room right off the bat. Instead of gettin’ in and sittin’ down as I’d hoped, she opened the car door and started lookin’ for me. That woman had so much junk piled up in her car that I was sure she’d get tired and have to sit down before she found me, but once again, my luck failed to hold. I could have cried when she finally spied me hidin’ there under her seat. To my amazement, though, she just smiled and said, “You poor baby. I’ll bet you are starving!” Then she apologized for not settin’ the door right and put the dinin’ room right down in front of me with the door wide open.

As kind as that gesture was, I still wasn’t sure she wouldn’t grab me up and stuff me in the bag again, so I had planned to just stay there and wait until she remembered what the Animal Control lady had told her about movin’ from my spot bein’ my choice. I was sure prayin’ she’d hurry up and go away so I could get at that food ‘cuz I was so hungry that the leather seat was startin’ to look tasty. I was so focused on the yummy food that I didn’t notice that she’d opened the back door until it was too late -- that dadblamed lunatic woman poked me in my butt!!! It startled me so bad that I jumped right into the dinin’ room and only realized it was actually a cleverly disguised trap after the door slammed shut on my tail! I said a couple words my momma would’ve boxed my ears for and officially retracted my potential reincarnation marriage proposal.

Next thing I know Lady Loco is holdin’ me up lookin’ at me through the cage bars cooin’ somethin’ about how everything was gonna be alright now, and that I shouldn’t be scared ‘cuz she was gonna get me to the rehab now. If I could’ve reached her face I’d’ve clawed that phony smile right off her it! Then she put me in the back of her car for the ride to the rehab place and I was finally able to get my mouth on some of that food I’d been sniffin’ for the last 2 hours. MMMM MMMM MMMM! I never knew peanut butter could taste so good.

It didn’t seem like a very long before we were pullin’ into the driveway at the rehab. But the ride had given me time to think some and I’d pretty much resigned myself to a life of shock treatments and daily counseling sessions. I guessed Billy and I’d have some pretty interesting stories to share if I ever got back home. So can you imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when the place turned out to be a real live animal hospital?!? A place where peoples take wounded critters to be patched up and then returned to their homes safe and sound!! And as it turned out, the place was less than a mile from my tree house!

It was 10:30 p.m. by the time Ms. Margaret, the nice rehabber lady, finally got rid of that flipped out female. Then she very gently checked me over and discovered that the pain in my side turned out to be a cracked rib. No wonder it hurt like the devil when I moved too much! Fortunately it would heal on its own, she said. And since there wasn’t anything else she could do to help me, after a couple of days rest she set me free and I hurried off on my way home.

A few days later, bein’ the well bred gentlesquirrel that I am, I sent the nice firemen and the Animal Control lady thank you notes and some cans of mixed nuts. As for the crazy lady, well, in the end I had to sort of change my attitude toward her. In her own weird way she really was just tryin’ to do the best for me she could… but I still run like the wind every time I see a car that even looks like hers – that kind of help might just kill me next time!

Best regards and safe nut huntin’,
Hunker D. Squirrel, Esq.

p.s.: Does anybody know where I can get some of that ammonia stuff? The Skunkels are goin’ out of town next weekend and asked me to watch their house… Oh yeah, I’ll watch it alright! Heh heh heh.