My new Freecycle friend, Richard, e-mailed me this picture.
I took one look at that license plate and immediately thought that it was something my daddy would have had a hand in coming up with. He was always cleaning things up for my delicate ears. Here are just a few of his favorites:
- Colder than a well digger’s ELBOW in Idaho
- Colder than a witches BOTTOM IN BRASS BRITCHES
- Cold enough to freeze the APPLES off a brass monkey
- Wish in one hand and SPIT in the other and see which one fills up fastest
- Does a bear SNEEZE in the woods?
- Son of a BISCUIT EATER
- Scared SPITless
- Fidgetier than a WHALE in church
Of course, I didn’t know until I was mostly grown that he’d taken it upon himself to rewrite those jewels of good old boy-ology. And I’m sure there are others that have slipped my mind at the moment.
In keeping with Dad’s literary licentiousness, I, too, over the years have utilized revisions of certain expressions. These are things I often think, and would usually LOVE to say outright, but instead clean up for more fragile audiences:
PPA (Pi## Poor Attitude)*: The mood resulting from any number of undesirable stimuli, including, but not limited to having to:
· Get up early in the morning. (Ok – so that one’s probably just a “me” thing!)
· Pick up after everybody in the house – again.
· Finish a lazy/sloppy/stupid person’s project so the whole group isn’t penalized – again.
· Stand in line for 10 minutes at Wal-Mart at one of the two open registers while 15 store employees stand around chatting and laughing. (You KNOW they are taking bets on which customer will be first to get mad enough to just leave the basket and walk out!!)
· Cook dinner AND clean up afterward – again.
· Get up, walk half way across the house to let the dog/cat in/out because the people sitting in the same room as the door have INCURABLE CONVENIENT HEARING.
· Explain the rules of the Stair Dance. Again. For the 100th time.
GOBS (Good Old Boy Syndrome) – Not a permanent condition, but instead the intermittent attacks of overbearing, chauvinistic, stubborn-headed, idiocy experienced by all men (and some women).**
Terminal HIB – A disorder caused by having ones head so deeply imbedded in the lower-most body cavity as to cause permanent, irreversible stupidity.**
FMD (Rhett Butler syndrome): The lack of sympathy or concern over the continued bad results gleaned from another person’s perpetual bad decisions. “Frankly, my dear…” (I came up with this one after watching Gone With The Wind at the end of a very long day of dealing with whiney employees giving ridiculous excuses for why their projects weren’t finished.)**
Newbossitis: The condition in which a person recently promoted to a position of authority temporarily loses all common sense and alienates those on whom he must rely to keep his backside out of hot water. The condition is not terminal unless the person also suffers from Richarditis, but does usually involve a long recovery period.**
And lastly, (with sincere, profound apologies to my new friend who sent me the picture and started this whole thought process; Really! This does not apply to him!)…
Richard Craniumosis or Richarditis – A socially fatal character flaw illustrated by the sufferer’s inability to understand how to cordially interact with others. Gets its name from the part of the male anatomy that shares its nickname. **
Now, since the sun is going down and I don’t want to develop PPA when it gets cold enough to freeze the apples off a brass monkey in this house, I’m going to go close the windows and get dinner ready.
Wishing you Peace, Blessings, and useful euphemisms.
*I have no idea where that came from or who said it. If you know, please share the info so proper credit can be given.
**This is mine – straight out of my warped old brain.