If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Evil in a box.

Seems like everywhere I turn these days I'm being attacked by The Evil One. No! Not that Evil One. His meaner, eviler twin brother, Bebellyzebub. What? You really thought all that bad stuff could be created by just one of 'em?? NO WAY!! Anyhow...

I really began noticing it about a month ago when I started being accosted by his cute little green-vested and brown-sashed minions as I tried to exit the grocery store with my bags full of less expensive junk food healthy, nutritious snacks. I know they were evil because I was immediately overcome with the irresistibly lustful NEED, yes I say NEEEED!, to purchase at least two boxes of their sinful delights on every shopping trip. Then, while looking for a periodic table to include in Bug's new company website (to be announced later!!), I found this. (Click it to make it bigger. Really. Click it!)

Imsebeus, I dell ooo. Viabowicly imsebeus! Oh, sorry. I was talking with a couple of dunked Trefoils food in my mouth. Now that I've washed the sin down with some cold milk, what I said was:

Insidious, I tell you. Diabolically insidious!

Bebellyzebub has even found ways to infiltrate the best sources of healthful holiness. I recently learned about something called the Joy Fit Club for "...determined people who have lost and kept off 100 pounds or more...." WOW! My heart 'bout exploded right outta my chest, I got so excited. See, I don't know anyone else in the real world who has 100+ pounds they need to lose, so seeing all these people succeed at it really got me motivated. I eagerly jumped onto the Today Show website to watch this video:

You don't see them in this embedded version, but when you watch it on the site they play commercials between video segments and place advertisers' (AKA Bebellyzebub's silk-suited hawkers) bugs or teasers below the video screen. Here's the advertisement I saw when I was watching:

Hmmm... Dove. Just for you. And if you click on the picture you'll see that at the very bottom of the copy they added in the faintest of print, "My moment. My Dove" AACK! But, I'm a strong woman on a mission, I thought. I can ignore that commercial. Bebellyzebub's demons weren't quite done with me yet, though!

What do you see on this screen: Salmon salad or DOOOOVE CHOOOCOLAAAATE?? I got up to get a drink of water and clear my head before continuing.

The next great food suggestion was

But all I could see was CHOOOCOLAAAATE. Even as I sit here typing this my head is starting to swim and my mouth is beginning to water. This is EVIL, I TELL YOU!! I couldn't even listen to what they were saying much less read the screen titles because ...

CHOOOCOLAAAATE... Take it off today, my butt! The only thing I wanted to take off was the wrapper!

I finally just gave up and headed to the bank. That should be safe, right! NOT! Now, we all know that bankers are notorious for finding clever ways to extract as much money from our pockets as possible. However, I never thought they would stoop THIS low!

They actually had the audacity to put stacks and baskets of these on every available flat surface in the building. And then they dressed a couple of the shorter demons in little league baseball uniforms and had 'em stand there all big-eyed and cute making it totally IMPOSSIBLE to leave without buying a box. Or 3.

Needless to say, I won't be joining the Joy Fit club anytime soon. Now if you'll excuse me, the neighbor's high school band kid is at my door wanting me to look over their fund raiser catalogue. Do you think if I hung a cross and some garlic on the front porch it'd discourage the rest of the neighborhood demons from trying, too? Probably not. They'd just dip it in chocolate and try to sell me that, too! And I'd probably buy one. Or 3.

Peace and Joy Fit blessings to all.


  1. Man I could use some of that chocolate right now! I'm craving it and have NONE in the house right now. That's right! The gigantic box you sent me....gone. Girl scout cookies? I only bought 3 boxes.....and ate them the same night I'm sure.

    I need a husband! That would fix everything! For a while....if only he could cook! Then I'd have it all!

  2. Just when i was somewhat over my chocolate cravings.......
    I ate a bunch of chocolate this weekend (for mother's day. It was a special occasion!) and thought I had at least temporarily satisfied my need for chocolate until I saw that Dove logo multiple times on this post.
    Taunting me.



  3. Arrrghhhhh!



  4. You are too funny! Now I want chocolate! LOL

  5. I think you ought to call the Today Show and complain about their subversive subliminal advertising. This would be even more effective if you do it with a mouthful of Trefoils.

  6. Shoot!!! Nobody ever told me chocolate was evil. Then I go and read your post....

  7. I want CHOCOLATE!!! or any junk food right now. I coundn't even get G to share his baked cheese puffs. I just need to go shopping, I think I could get some cookies, or maybe a york mmmmm some chocolte covered pretzles... I guess I could just make a trip to the bank. Mine has member apeciation day every month and give all members that go in some goodies, like snack cakes etc. Thanks alot now all I can think of is food, and how much I would REALLY like some candy!

  8. LOL I could so use some chocolate and wine about now!

    Can you stop by my blog and tell me I am being a paranoid mommy???

  9. I was doing just fine till I read your post...ummmmm, chocolate!

  10. This was too funny and so close to home. Dove gets me every time. Lets face it, chocolate makes the world go around. The best therapy ever! I did switch to dark, like that somehow makes it better. At least in my mind it does, LOL.

  11. SEE, Y'ALL!! I told you that evil bastard was after me. Now he's after you, too! heh heh heh! So glad I could share the evil wealth. MWAHAHAHA!!
    Kalynne - since you were the only one who didn't admit to now wanting chocolate (which makes sense since you aren't much of a sweet lover), I'm now going to have to write something up about my margarita cravings! ;o)

  12. Great now I want some "my moment, Dove" too. LOL. I can't resist those cute little kids working so hard to achieve something and to be able to see their little eyes light up that they are getting closer to their goal is ......indescribable.
    Of course my weighing in after eating all the "wonderful" stuff is also "indescribable". Unfortunatly it's not in the good way. LOL.

    Good luck resisting. What about those gums that are 5 calories per stick? They always say to eat them when you are feeling the urge to snack on the unhealthy. By they I mean "the biggest looser" show.


  13. Like the grocery store isn't hard enough with all those candies in the isle, they send out all these cute kids to attack you with cookies.

  14. Chocolate makes me happy. If momma ain't happy, no one will be happy. LOL

  15. You could start wearing ear plugs so you wouldn't hear the food taunting you.

  16. Arg! I keep seeing the "C" word here, and I'm trying to resist, but it's calling my name. (I have some hiding around here somewhere, I know it.) I think I need to go and indulge.


    And I'm really trying to ... you know... LOSE WEIGHT, or at least not gain any more.

    And earplug don't work for me... ARG!
    I can feel the pounds popping on!

    I'm off to munch....................


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