SPAMMED-A-LOT

I’M RICH AND WANTED and with minimal effort can be beautiful and well dressed, too!! I can go anywhere, get unlimited funds, find the perfect lover and lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks (SIGN ME UP!). At least that’s what my email tells me.

Because I’m one of those inquiring minds who wants to know, I sorted my spam folder by subject. Here’s a (not so) brief synopsis of my 500+ (this month alone!) good and fortunate opportunities (the number in () at the end of each is the average number of emails PER DAY on that particular topic):

I can travel with Free Airline Tickets – FIVE notices (one a day for the reviewing period) wanting me to confirm my voucher for free tickets. How nice of them to be so aggressive ... tenacious... dogged... generous (!?!) in their attempts to give me free tickets! And all I have to do is adhere to their Program Requirements which include, but are not limited to: Signing up for free samples (just pay shipping and handling that is, amazingly, roughly equal to the value of the item offered), taking out a loan, applying for and activating a credit card, and/or making purchases. And, joy of all joys, they can change the rules and/or requirements at any time, without notice, and it’s my responsibility to catch the changes and adhere to those too in order to get the tickets!! Mmmmm… thanks, but no thanks. It’d be less painful, cheaper, and probably a lot safer to just hitchhike to Las Vegas! At least then I’d have a chance of getting there with money still in my pocket!

Then came offers for Bank loans for anything from cars to computers to vacations to pocket money (8 of them a day!) And the bonus is that I can finally stop worrying about that pesky credit rating thing because THEY DON’T CARE! Next, let’s not forget the free merchandise – laptops (a pink one, even!), clothes, business cards, ringtones, jewelry… OOOOOO AAAAAAHHHHH..

There are ways to get smarter for both pets and people: Bird Trick lessons (actually that might come in handy… maybe then my kids would stop referring to my conure as “the bitch bird from hell” or “pin cushion in waiting.” Just 3 of these this month.); or how about instructions on How to sell on Ebay. I have some junk and a camera… (OK, I have a LOT of junk. My children and hubby are hereby ordered to stop shaking their heads in sad, resigned disgust!)

There are a number of ways that I can reduce my weight (colon cleansing (6), diet patches – WOW! 20 lbs. in 2 weeks! Sign me up! (1), or consume some amazing, all natural concoction guaranteed to provide results in 30 days or your money back. I wonder if those come with any survivor benefits? HEY!! Maybe that’s a new market for some rich entrepreneur to explore: providing health care and survivor insurance specifically to people unfortunate enough to be desperate enough to fall for this crap!

I can do almost anything for free with the many $500 gift certificates that I’ve won from places like Lowes, Home Depot, JC Penney and Wal-Mart! All I have to do is pick something to have shipped to me and I only pay the shipping and handling, or sign up for a credit card, or apply for a loan. HEY! That sounds an awful lot like those airline ticket Program Requirements. I wonder if there’s any connection there?!?!?

I can change my career by: becoming a mystery shopper (4); by typing and filing forms from home (listed as a Google Business?? Didn’t know Google was THAT diversified! (3 a day!) ); by training for careers in Nursing (2) or Criminal Justice (2) OR!!!!... BEST OF ALL!!!…

PART-TIME/FULL-TIME Positions Available Now!
Salary: $6,239/month!
Position: Manager
Experience: None - We will train!
Requirements: Work from Home Positive Attitude Honesty and Integrity
Schedule: 5 hours/week - You choose your hours!

THAT’S $287.95 PER HOUR!! I want THAT job!! And there are obviously a lot of them out there because in a 28-day period, I received 49 different messages that all say this! And upon closer inspection, they are almost all from DIFFERENT domains! HUH???? There is either an overabundance of these jobs or this is the amazing psychic head hunter’s network where they all think so much alike that the rest of us should be verrrrry afraid!!!

And now for my personal favorite: MY SECRET ADMIRERS!! I am SOOO glad that there are so many people out there who want crazy old me. Isn’t it just my dumb luck that I had to go and fall head over heels, stupid in love with the man of my dreams 27 years ago?? Oh well, guess I’ll check them out anyway – it never hurts to have a backup plan! Let’s see: 36 eHarmony matches and 48 new crushes in just the last 20 days! WooHOO! All I can say Hubby better watch his step!

OK – I’m done and after all this studying and data compilation this is what I learned about the internet marketing community: THEY THINK I’M STUPID!

Have a blessed and peaceful evening!