If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck


Friday, November 30, 2007


My new Freecycle friend, Richard, e-mailed me this picture.

I took one look at that license plate and immediately thought that it was something my daddy would have had a hand in coming up with. He was always cleaning things up for my delicate ears. Here are just a few of his favorites:

- Colder than a well digger’s ELBOW in Idaho
- Colder than a witches BOTTOM IN BRASS BRITCHES
- Cold enough to freeze the APPLES off a brass monkey
- Wish in one hand and SPIT in the other and see which one fills up fastest
- Does a bear SNEEZE in the woods?
- Scared SPITless
- Fidgetier than a WHALE in church

Of course, I didn’t know until I was mostly grown that he’d taken it upon himself to rewrite those jewels of good old boy-ology. And I’m sure there are others that have slipped my mind at the moment.

In keeping with Dad’s literary licentiousness, I, too, over the years have utilized revisions of certain expressions. These are things I often think, and would usually LOVE to say outright, but instead clean up for more fragile audiences:

PPA (Pi## Poor Attitude)*: The mood resulting from any number of undesirable stimuli, including, but not limited to having to:
· Get up early in the morning. (Ok – so that one’s probably just a “me” thing!)
· Pick up after everybody in the house – again.
· Finish a lazy/sloppy/stupid person’s project so the whole group isn’t penalized – again.
· Stand in line for 10 minutes at Wal-Mart at one of the two open registers while 15 store employees stand around chatting and laughing. (You KNOW they are taking bets on which customer will be first to get mad enough to just leave the basket and walk out!!)
· Cook dinner AND clean up afterward – again.
· Get up, walk half way across the house to let the dog/cat in/out because the people sitting in the same room as the door have INCURABLE CONVENIENT HEARING.
· Explain the rules of the
Stair Dance. Again. For the 100th time.

GOBS (Good Old Boy Syndrome) – Not a permanent condition, but instead the intermittent attacks of overbearing, chauvinistic, stubborn-headed, idiocy experienced by all men (and some women).**

Terminal HIB – A disorder caused by having ones head so deeply imbedded in the lower-most body cavity as to cause permanent, irreversible stupidity.**

FMD (Rhett Butler syndrome): The lack of sympathy or concern over the continued bad results gleaned from another person’s perpetual bad decisions. “Frankly, my dear…” (I came up with this one after watching Gone With The Wind at the end of a very long day of dealing with whiney employees giving ridiculous excuses for why their projects weren’t finished.)**

Newbossitis: The condition in which a person recently promoted to a position of authority temporarily loses all common sense and alienates those on whom he must rely to keep his backside out of hot water. The condition is not terminal unless the person also suffers from Richarditis, but does usually involve a long recovery period.**

And lastly, (with sincere, profound apologies to my new friend who sent me the picture and started this whole thought process; Really! This does not apply to him!)…

Richard Craniumosis or Richarditis – A socially fatal character flaw illustrated by the sufferer’s inability to understand how to cordially interact with others. Gets its name from the part of the male anatomy that shares its nickname. **

Now, since the sun is going down and I don’t want to develop PPA when it gets cold enough to freeze the apples off a brass monkey in this house, I’m going to go close the windows and get dinner ready.

Wishing you Peace, Blessings, and useful euphemisms.

*I have no idea where that came from or who said it. If you know, please share the info so proper credit can be given.
**This is mine – straight out of my warped old brain.


  1. I avoid Wal-Mart like the plague . . . going there always, always puts me in a bad mood. I love your Dad's wish/spit saying. God bless.

  2. I should have added Home Depot to the list of PPA causes!

    My kids HATE my version of Dad's wish/spit. It involves me looking at them like they have three heads while holding out my hands palm up and moving them forward and backward, waiting for them to choose one! LOL!

    Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

  3. I don't remember how I got here, but I'm glad I did. This post cracked me up!

    You should add PIMA to your vocabulary. It's a nice way to say "pain in my" um, tush! Yeah, tush.

  4. Kelly - I agree - it could stand on it's own! Leave it to me to HAVE to "go there". LOL!! Thanks for stopping by!

    Burgh Baby's mom - I took time to read your stuff, and you are sooooo funny that I consider a compliment from you HIGH PRAISE!

    I LOVE PIMA!!! ROFL!!!

    Thanks for brightening my day - TWICE!

  5. You're a funny lady (and I mean LMAO funny!) I'll be back!!!

  6. Great list - LOL!

    I had what I call Dad-isms too! :)

    The Wal-Mart one had me spitting coffee out my nose!

    Thanks for the nice Monday morning wake up!



  7. I have often used the "Son of a Biscuit Eater" phrase. I wonder who used that phrase first? Your post had me laughing. Thanks for that on a Monday morning.

  8. Thank you, Dragonstar! I look forward to hearing from you often!

    Lucille - After I'd published I thought of adding "Having to deal with a pimply-faced, mid-pubescent, snot-nosed Walgreens manager" just for you! LOLOLOL!!

    Heather - Glad to see you back! My aunt (dad's sister) said that their father used it all the time, so it's gotta be an old one. I'm just wondering if you get funny looks every time it comes out of your mouth, too?? But then, maybe they look at me because mine is always more like. SON.OF.A.....biscuit eater

    Keep laughing, all!! xoxoxo

  9. I just read through this post it was so funny.

    I had to go to walmart tonight and stood in lane for an hour while the cashier tried to get the manager that was chatting (or making bets that we would all leave) to enter his key to clear her register from something a customer did.

  10. Gracie, Gracie, Gracie! You can't say you weren't warned! LOL!! ;o)

    I've learned that if you go in the middle of the night it's much less painful... as long as you are good a dodging boxes in the middle of the aisles! Thanks for stopping by!

  11. Oh my goodness I am so glad you stopped by and visited my blog. I needed a laugh as we prepare for Rhett's surgery tomorrow, and I got it here!!


    For the record....I HATE Home Depot too....in fact my husband and I call it the "HO Depot" because they are all a bunch of Ho's that work there.....It's bad I know but holy smokes, it couldn't be truer.

    Okay I have spent two hours here, and I really need to go to bed now.

    Thank you again!! ((HUGS!))

  12. These are very useful phrases and I intend to use them very soon! In fact, I may just have to print them off and keep them handy. I could even save my voice and just point to the applicable phrase. You've performed a valuable service here, Damama!

  13. I almost choked on my food when I read the Wal-mart one. I avoid that place as much as possible.

    Thanks for the comment on my blog. Glad I found you.

    I love that picture!!


  14. Pam - That I could bring you a little laughter right now makes my heart sing! You will be in my prayers especially tomorrow, but also for the coming time of Rhett's recovery. Can't wait to see him up and falling on his face again soon! ;o)

    HO Depot! HA!! Love it!


    Angela - Think maybe we should start a newsletter to keep people updated on new ones as they come up?? Burgh's mom added PIMA. I'm sure there will be more! LOL!! xoxo

    UTMOM!! ARMS UP... take a sip of water... Nobody is choking to death on my watch! LOL!! Glad you got a kick. I'm glad we found each other!


WELL HOWDY!! Thanks so much for popping in to leave a note. PLEASE be sure to check the box by "E-mail follow-up comments to..." so that you'll get my response to your comment. I almost always respond personally And sorry for making you do the Word jumble mambo. I wish there weren't A***ole spammers running rampant in the blogverse!


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