If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck


Friday, February 15, 2008

These tools are NOT for sharing!

My bloggy friend, Angela, posted a really good reason to password-protect your phone. After I quit laughing at the fact that she's now looking for a good therapist for one of her kids, I knew I had to tell about one particularly... mmmm... interesting Damama's World experience.

Over the years, Hubby and I have been open to monkeying around with (within limits) some different "things" in the intimacy department. I use the word "things" because the exploration has been definitely limited to the employment of a few different... mmmm... tools of a very shaky nature, and some very ... uummmm... interesting videos. Now, why it embarrasses me to tell you guys this, especially after what happened years ago, is baffling to me. Nonetheless, I find myself blushing over here! OK, moving on...

When Bug was a teenager he was looking for something in our nightstand and -- you guessed it -- found one of our toys. We'd been.. mmm.. playing a couple of nights before and had gone to sleep without putting it up in its proper, safe place. Hubby had been awake enough, though, to think about the possibility of one of the boys coming in before we woke up, and so had stuck it in a drawer. You know that old saying - Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was forgotten. Until Bug needed something that he thought he remembered seeing. In the nightstand. (Note; If you are wondering how I know when he saw it, it had to be this time because this was the only time we EVER failed to put it back! When we remembered it was there we laughed and congratulated each other on getting away with it! HA!)

Now I must tell you that Bug is an EXTREMELY intelligent guy. He was talking in full sentences by the time he was 18 months old. He was reading by the time he was 3. He started kindergarten at a 6th grade reading level. Being so intelligent, he knew enough to know right away he'd seen something he shouldn't have. So, unbeknownst to me, he just closed the drawer and moved on, storing the information in his cunning little brain for potential later use.

Fast-forward to 1999.

While working on a huge project for a large client, I found myself in need of someone who could not only think outside the box, but also worked cheap. 20-year-old Bug had done some work for me at clients' offices before, so as an employer I knew he was good at problem solving. As his mother I knew he needed a job. And as his chief financial aid officer I figured hiring him would actually end up saving me money in the long run. I was so proud of myself for coming up with such a win-win-win scenario that I forgot to remember that wicked, off-the-wall sense of humor that makes him so loveable.

Our team consisted of me, my wonderful right arm assistant DeeAnn, my quality control guru Bug, and 10 other very dedicated employees of the facility whose departments had volunteered them to become part of the group. The work was tedious, repetitive, and challenging all at the same time. We spent hours reviewing accounts for errors trying to tie mistakes that were being encountered together so the IT department could come up with solutions. With 13 people housed in a 12 x 16 room, tempers flared fairly regularly. But by and large you could not have asked for a better group of individuals to work with.

On one particularly difficult day in which people were complaining about their lack of personal space (primarily due to the fact that somebody had eaten Mexican food for lunch and you know the end result of bean consumpation!), a discussion broke out about most embarrassing moments. We all laughed as people talked about having ripped their pants, or spilled something on someone else, or having made a fool of themselves at various times. Then somebody mentioned how horrified she was to have walked in on her parents in the act. She said she never told anybody about it until just then. And that, my friends, is when Bug decided it was time to share his own little secret.

There, in a room, in front of 11 people who were supposed to look up to me as their project leader, my son grinned and said, "That's almost as good at the time I found the dildo in Mom's nightstand when I was a teenager." The room dropped into dead silence as everyone stopped, stared, and waited for me to react, and then errupted in loud raucous laughter when I said, "Well, you shouldn't have been snooping around in my drawers." And since I was not about to let him have the last word, I couldn't resist adding, "And which one did you find, anyway?"

At least I was nice enough not to tell them about his delight at having discovered his penis when he was only 2 years old. After all, a mom has to save some ammo for emergencies, right?!?

The moral of the story is:

If you are going to monkey around,
be sure to re-hide your bananas when you are done!


  1. OH MY GAWD! I can't believe you just admitted to the world that you have one of those in your house. I wouldn't even know where to buy one, let alone how to use it. You are either the creziest or gutsiest woman I have ever heard of. KK in KC

  2. I LOVE your response! I would have been too embarrassed to say anything. LOL, LOL!

  3. KK - Well, actually, I don't have one anymore. But remembering this, I may just have to go shopping. ;o)
    Angela - LOL! I was plenty embarrassed. But then I remembered what I'd always told the boys:

    Don't do anything you would be embarrassed to admit on the front page of the newspaper. You can only be shamed by something that you feel is wrong. And if it's wrong STOP DOING IT!

    Have a great day!

  4. You are so right, you're bound to need that other little story one day! Maybe you could have a little woman-to-woman chat with Lady Bug (with him in earshot, of course) Interesting possibilities!

  5. Dragonstar - I'd love to do that, but he's already told her all the stories just to take the wind out of my sails. LOL!!! Some day, thought - some day!

  6. AHHHHH! I would've died. I never would have held it together as well as you did! I don't even know what else to say....I had to pick my eyeballs and my jaw up off the keyboard after reading this! Thank you for making me feel more normal!!! lol - What? My husband is gone for 12 months at a time....it was a gift.

  7. That's a heck of a long time to hold onto that piece of knowledge!

  8. Susan - LOLOLOLOLOLOL! You are completely normal. And you have at least one friend with GREAT gift sense! LOLOL!!
    Baby's Mom- As my boys have grown up, I've learned more and more about things that happened in their lives that I never even had a clue about. Come on - aren't there some things that your mom STILL doesn't know. And won't ever unless the perfect time presents itself? ;o)

  9. OH MY GOSH!!! I literally spit on my computer screen with laughter!!! Your come back was quite witty too!!

    That is hilarious!!!! I only hope my kids don't find anything in our drawers (not that there is anything to find...hehe)

  10. AZ!! If it's in a drawer, there's a good chance they've already found it! Better start getting your own witty comeback ready! LOL!! xoxoxo

  11. Michelle - I am marking this day on my calendar. You, speechless? Definitly an event to remember!! ;o) xoxoxo

  12. I love the fast witty come back - that is so much like me!

    I can't believe HE remembered but then again if I think REAL hard I guess I do remember my parents doing some things I probably would rather not remember!

    Thanks for the chuckle! I'm guessing this wasn't the THING that was stressing you out though. You OK?

    Tomorrow - phone call - promise.


  13. Hilarious. I guess we've all had those most embarrassing moments thanks to the spawn. Margie

  14. LMAO, I would have been too embarrassed to say a word, let alone anything clever! Bravo!


  15. I cannot believe you just told us all that!!! I am laughing on the inside becasue my kids are in the room and I don't want to explain what is so funny!!

    "A place for everything and everything in it's place." That quote has new meaning to me!!


  16. Lucille - Yes, that DOES sound like you! LOL! And as far as his memory goes: You can pick up almost any book he's ever read, read a couple of lines out of any chapter and from memory he can pick up, almost verbatim, where you left off. Remembering something that shocking to a teenager would be nothing! LOLOLOL!

    As for my stressing stuff - After some wonderful advice from my great Blissy Lucille, a lot of encouragement from Margie and Brandi, and after lots of prayer, I've been able to put it behind me. God truly does put the right people in your life when you need 'em most! Love you much!

  17. Margie - SPAWN!!! HA HA HA HA! SPAWN! I love that!
    Kathy - With that group it was either be brave or be buried!
    Christine - Oh, honey - when I was your age there would have been NO WAY I'd have EVER put that in writing. From this side of Hill 50, though, it's all just fun!

    I love that saying!! Maybe I should change the name of the post! That is SO perfect! (even on the naughty levels!!! AACK!! DID I JUST SAY THAT???) ROFL!!

  18. OMG That is tooooo funny!I would have died of embarasment.

  19. HI Gracie! How's my surrogate grandson? LOL! I guess that'd make you my surrogate daughter, wouldn't it! cool! Re embarrassment: See comment to Christine above. LOL! ;o) xoxoxo

  20. As I was commenting, I forgot that my little G likes to look through everything, and managed to find our (DH, and Mine) minty lubrication stuff, (I think this is more for a guy than for a girl, After one use of it I said never again) so G found it and put some on his hands thiking it was lotian, and asked me if he smelled good. I have now moved it to a place I hope he will stay out of, My Closet!

  21. LOLOL Gracie! When I was in high school, my bf's little brother had just learned to read and very proudly set the table for Sunday lunch with the SPECIAL NAPKINS he found in the bathroom closet. His mom was so busy cooking she didn't notice until her husband's parents arrived. Just in time to sit down to dinner.

  22. Just goes to show you, you can rarely put one over on your boss, but you can never put one over on your mom.

  23. HI "Damama". I know who you really are, so I'm not using my name here because the next time I see you in person I don't want you looking at me funny. I usually just lurk around here because I really enjoy reading about your life and how things are going for you since you left the board. You sound a whole lot happier now.

    Anyway, I have a "little buddy" that lives in a shoebox under my bed. One of my kids walked in on me and my buddy getting friendly one night. Fortunately it was dark and I was able to convince him/her that the noise was coming from outside somewhere. So see there, at least yours wasn't in action at the time your son found it!

    See you around. But don't ever expect me to admit this face to face. I would DIE if anybody ever knew. However it feels good to say it here. tee hee hee

  24. ROFLMBO!!!! Anonymous?!?!?! Now I'm going to be looking at every single mother I know (married or not) wondering if she is you!! Come on! Email me and give me a hint who you are!!

    That is too funny, and I can't believe that you are the only one who's ever had it happen. Glad you were thinking quickly enough to come up with the outside noise thing. My only question is: How long was it before you and buddy mmmm... got friendly again?


    And yes, I'm much happier since I left the Board. Those people were driving me crazy. The real kind. Not the fun kind we have here!

    Thanks for popping in.

  25. LOL I can't wait til I hit the age of nothing embarasses me. You'd think after having six kids in front of a room full of people, I'd be there, but nope. Not yet.

  26. Yep, I have one. It stays well hidden!

  27. Heather - Just realized I missed your comment somehow. I'm sorry. :0\

    Remember this, you have sons. As they get older they will try to put whatever they can over on you... and they will often succeed. The trick is to always be willing to hear the things you don't necessarily want to know so that they will be willing to spill the things they don't know you want to hear. HUH?? LOL!! Just think about it. ;o)

  28. Lisa - There are multiple levels of humility. At my level one finally starts to realize that the things we experience are in no way unique. Just look at all the shared experiences here. WHO'D A'THUNK IT?? LOL!!!
    Kristi - I certainly hope so. Wouldn't want TC mistaking it for a new toothbrush! =8-O

  29. Hi there. I came across your blog and started reading...and couldn't stop. I am writing a series of books and would love to use this story in it. You could stay anonymous. Please check out the site for the book at www.quarterinthejar.com and see where you can contribute.

    I also read about your birthing story and there is a book for that in the series too. Seriously, please check out my site and consider helping me with my book.

    I am going back to reading your blog now....and laughing.

  30. Ohgoodness. I need to go find a different hiding spot. How embarassing. I probably would have died.


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