If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck

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Thursday, March 4, 2010

ExerWHAT???

For those of you who don't know, I've joined a great online weightloss community. It's called FAST TRACK TO FAT LOSS. And since you can't see my blog over there without being a member... and if you need to lose weight the healthy way you SHOULD be a member. I've lost 9 lbs in 2-1/2 weeks! And I'm never hungry!... I thought I'd repost todays here... It was just too funny not to share. (OK, so the lack of sugar in my system may be making me a leeeeeetle bit punchy, but whatever... you be the judge! LOL!)

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There seems to be an epidemic of epic proportions running rampant around here. Everywhere I go here in FastTrack (FT) somebody is talking about this exer-whatever thing. I seem to remember hearing something about that years ago, but it has been a LOOOONG time. I do remember that it was something we did in P.E. in grade school. Come on -- you remember those days!

"PEOPLE! QUITE DOWN AND LINE UP! You, there next to the fat kid, tie those shoes before you trip and break something. OK. Ready, JUMPING JACKS - 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, come on fat kid, keep up! 8, 9, 10."

By now all the overweight, out-of-shape kids were huffing and puffing, the jock sporty types were snickering and the rest of us were wondering how to switch places with the kid next to our best friend without the coach noticing. And actually that wasn't something we really had to worry about because the coach never noticed much other than the irritating (coaches thoughts, not mine!) fat kids huffing and puffing and which jock sporty types would do best on whatever team was currently being formed.

After another three to five sets of some boring Jack Lalanne-isms we'd be released to do our own thing. Ummm... fun?? Not usually. The boys would wander off to one side of the gym and pick teams for dodge ball - fatties on one side, jocks on the other. It was a massacre! Never underestimate the strength of a fat kid with a chance to ping a ball off of some snotty jock's groin! Nuff said about that...


The girls, having exhausted themselves, would retire to the bleachers and gossip. Usually about the other girls. Loudly. Rudely. Always in cliques. Always better than the others. And then there was my group. We really didn't care what the other girls thought. We dressed how we wanted. We ate what we wanted. And there was only one exercise we were truly interested in doing well... the one that OBVIOUSLY worked WAY too well for me:

Stand straight, palms together, chest high, elbows up, and PRESS and PRESS and PRESS all the while repeating:

"WE MUST, WE MUST, WE MUST DEVELOP OUR BUST. WE MUST, WE MUST ..."

Yeah - Take a look at my BEFORE photos and you'll see why I think maybe I was a little TOO into this activity. Aaaaanyyyywaaaaayyyy....

So now here I am, 40 or so years later and every time I hear the term Exer... that's as far as my mind can get. It just shuts down... Ain't doin' it. Nope. Nuh-uh!! Yes, I went to the gym faithfully 3-5 times a week for nearly all of the past two years. I walked treadmill hills until my feet blistered, but I was talking to my friend all the while so that wasn't the E word. I pulled handles attached to varying sizes of metal rectangles until my hands blistered, but that wasn't the E word either -- at least not the way I did it! HA! We played racquetball a bunch, but ... ummm hellooooo.. PLAYED - not exer-whatevered.

One might think that with all that activity going on I wouldn't have ever needed to join FT. Again with the, "go look at my BEFORE pics" and tell me how well all that activity worked out for me. IT DIDN'T! While I will admit that I felt better and was a lot stronger, I lost no weight. I lost no inches. All I DID lose was the will to even THINK about going back to the gym.

You see, for me, the act of being that active does something HORRIBLE to my appetite. The stimulation is so much that I am RAVENOUS and all the food that I consume counters out all the work I do. So, for now I ain't gonna do anything more strenuous than:

  • Parking at the back of the lot instead of in the 3F spots (Four Front Fatty spaces - seriously, have you ever really watched? The people who circle and circle waiting for one of the first four spaces nearest the door on any aisle are usually ummm... rotund?? OK, so let's just say it... we're FAT! )
  • Dancing around to music while I clean the kitchen or do laundry
  • Doing kegel crunches at stop lights and during commercials, or ... and this IS my favorite...
  • Cracking Hubby up by immitating the skinny-armed biotches who model the propper method to .... ummm... thrill your guy??... on those Shake Weight commercials. (There are men far and wide screaming at the TV, "Hey, baby, come on over. I've got a REAL weight you can shake!!") AACK!

And no, don't anybody... ANBODY... DARE say "Well, all that stuff is exer..." I WILL come find you so I can EAT YOUR LUNCH AND MINE! And speaking of lunch...

Y'all have a GREAT Thursday, now. OK!!!
TTFN!

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OK - so that's my current ranting for the day over at FT. I sincerely hope that you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. Ah, the memories!! I also hope you consider looking into this program. It is changing lives. Mine included.

Peace, Blessing, and E.. don't say it!!!!!... to all.

8 comments:

  1. Funny and fun. Kudos to you, sistah. I already belong to Spark people. how is this one different?

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  2. In NC, Trainer Megan Solly uses Shake Weight and sees the results that are promised. Great story from WCNC.com http://www.wcnc.com/on-tv/Does-the-Shake-Weight-work-86010827.html

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  3. I do not believe in exercise, and have not willingly exercised since I ets'd from the army 20+ years ago. Now, walking from the farthest space in North parking to my office is not exercise, neither is walking to the playground 1/2 mile while pushing the double jogging training and carrying the baby is not exercise either. Exercise is if you do something you do not like doing, just to exercise. So hiking, walking, anything I like to do is not exercise. Running, jumping jacks, sit ups, etc, I won;t do them unless an authority figure makes me do them. Darn, there is not a drill sergeant here. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. your post really makes me interested =) love it. I am too very conscious with my weight because being a mom is not just being mom and forgetting about oneself. keep posting I really wanna read more

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  5. Wel!!! That was funny indeed.... Really loved your post..... Just keep up the good work....

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  6. hi, thanks much for this! Honestly, I'm really having a little trouble with the weight thing. Enrolled myself to a gym near my place. And oh! I so wanna give up and it's been like 3 weeks?! Help!

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WELL HOWDY!! Thanks so much for popping in to leave a note. PLEASE be sure to check the box by "E-mail follow-up comments to..." so that you'll get my response to your comment. I almost always respond personally And sorry for making you do the Word jumble mambo. I wish there weren't A***ole spammers running rampant in the blogverse!

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