The NGYCP-Texas Youth Challenge facility is a school turned TYC turned military-style youth rescue compound. Amazingly, I didn't get any pictues of it! DUH! I'll be sure to do better in January when we drop her off for the start of the program. I did get some of the scenery along the way, though. It's really a whole bunch of nothing but scrub brush and distant hills with roads cut through it all -- including the hills! LOL!
After the orientation session we dropped My Girl off in San Antonio. She was very obviously glad go see me go, but what bothers me more is that I was glad to be gone. And what hurts my heart the most is that despite my best efforts I don't know how to reach her. I don't know how to help her grow out of the childish, imature, grossly age-inappropriate behaviors that will be so life limiting for her.
I guess I could just quit trying. I guess I could let her continue on the path she's chosen and assume that eventually she will grow out of it. But that would require that she find somewhere else to live because I can't watch her do it to herself. Oh, wait. That's what she's done. So why am I agonizing over it? One good reason: I'm afraid of losing her. I'm afraid of failing her. I'm afraid of pushing her too far away and of holding her too close.
My fears don't really matter much, though, because no matter what I do she pushes me away. No matter how hard I try, what test I pass, what hurdles I jump, there are more trials, more tests, more reminders that I'm not her real mother; that her real family are the people who refused to give her a home and unconditional love and support when she needed it most. Then my hurt turns to resentment which turns to sniping. It's a vicious cycle that is slowly killing our relationship. So, now I have no choice but to walk away for a while. Maybe the separation will do us both good. I'm not going far. She can get to me when she's ready. I'm going to leave it up to her to decide how long or, like Martina McBride sings so beautifully, How Far...
Peace, Blessings, and Parental Wisdom to all.
It's hard to parent. While I know this hurts you, I believe it is for the best. I've had to take steps similar to this before too. And it was with the son I adopted. And while I can't say things have been easy or that he has gotten himself all together, he is doing better.
ReplyDeleteA good friend of mine told be that the Bible refers to phases in our life as seasons. It is now time for a new season and later there will be yet another season. For some reason, this thought was comforting to me, maybe it will bring you some comfort also. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteHopefully the separation will do you both some good. Just don't give up all hope. Maybe the change and some time will help her. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing easy about parenting. Times I think if I'd known all this before I'd never have done it. But then I'd have missed all the good times too, and that would be a shame.
ReplyDeleteYou both need some space right now. Maybe this is a necessary part of her development. I do hope so. Just hang on. No storm lasts forever.
Margie - Thank you. Of course you are right. Parenting is hard even on a good day and with kids who aren't emotionally damaged. I just... I don't know... I just...??? Maybe some day...
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Robin - I do truly believe that we must live through seasons. Without the winter how would we know to love the warmth of the summer? I'm just praying for a little spring around here sometime soon. Thank you for the encouraging words.
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Kathy - Thank you, sweetie. I am hanging on to that last little thread of hope now. I miss her, but I do know this is for the best.
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Dragonstar - No storm lasts forever. I'm hanging onto that. Thank you. And yes, some days I wish I'd never met her. But then her beautiful smile flashes before my heart's eye and I'm hooked all over again. One day the clouds will part and the rainbow will come out. Like you said, I just have to hang on.
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Hugs and much love to you all. Thank you for your continued support.