ADvrD or What was that again?

My sons are mad at me. Well, not really mad. More like annoyedly amused. For all the years they were growing up I flatly refused to pay for cable. Why should I? We had 6 perfectly good free channels including our local PBS broadcast. They didn't need to be spending any more time rotting their brains and eyeballs in front of a television anyway; they already spent enough time on video games. Besides, there really wasn't that much more good stuff on cable!

Excuse me -- Errrr... Waitress? May I please have some ketchup to go with this large serving of crow? Thank you. OK, where was I? Oh... Never mind. Moving on.

Back in June I was so fed up with Comcrap's excuses for why my Internet connection was down all the time that if I hadn't feared giving myself a black eye ala Groovin Granny I'd have jumped for joy when I learned about AT&T's new U-Verse service! I got even more excited when I realized that for the same price I was paying for Internet for two computers I could get three computers AND cable TV. My Scroogy heart nearly burst. Then I also learned that one of the receivers would come with a DVR. I really had no idea what a DVR was. Oh, I'd heard people talking about it but, again, what was the need? We had a perfectly good VCR. DUH, PEOPLE! Just how much electronic gadgetry does one household need?

Excuse me again -- Umm, Waitress!! Where is that ketchup? I cannot eat THIS MUCH CROW dry! GAH!!!! Anyway...

So they came and installed everything and I fiddled around with the new box long enough to figure out how to record a couple of things. Cool. Then I found more things that looked interesting and scheduled them to record. And.. oooo.. series! I can record whole a series with just a couple of flicks of my thumb?? And I can watch stuff later without rewinding. And I can fast-forward through commercials and hit play as soon as I see the show back on and the DVR automatically jumps it back about 5 seconds so I don't have to sit there doing the forward/backward tango to keep from missing the first two sentences after the break? OH. MY. FREAKIN. STARS. IN. HEAVEN!!! Closest I've ever come to to the BIG O with all my clothes on.

I was extolling the wonders of the DVR to a friend when she said, "you know you can pause live TV, too, right?" I laughed because I'd been caught up in one too many of her warped little mind games. Turns out she wasn't messing with my mind! YOU REALLY CAN PAUSE LIVE FEEDS!

Phone rings? PAUSE
Dog needs out? PAUSE!
Gotta tinkle? PAUSE!!!

And then it got better when I realized that not only could I pause, I COULD REWIND! Live shows. Feeding in right now!! I CAN REWIND IF I MISS SOMETHING!!

And that's when my real problem began... I developed

ADvrD

Almost over night I totally lost the ability to concentrate on any one show for more than 5 minutes at a time. Why should I? I can rewind to catch what I missed. Right? WRONG! The problem is that it has spilled over into my live life! And not everything has pause and rewind capabilities. Like the radio. Nope. Not there. I've given up on even trying to listen.

And people? Did you know that most people have tolerance for a maximum of three requests to repeat what they just said before they finally give up and quit talking to you? I do. I've proven it several times now. I think at this point it could actually be considered scientific fact.

So, if we are in the middle of a conversation and I don't appear to be paying attention it isn't my fault. And if I fade out or change subjects in mid-thought, I can't help it. I have a disorder. And I'm sure that somewhere at this very moment some medical lab is working on a pill to help me control it. Until then, I'll just have to......