Isn't it strange how we can let our head get in the way of our heart? Maybe you don't have this problem. If not, YAY!! But ever since the bottom fell out of my world (again) on Mother's day, even though things are much better now I haven't been able to get my head out of the way! I've fallen into this depression thing and every time I try to put fingers to keys, my head screams, "WHY DO YOU EVEN TRY?? You obviously can't keep your own world straight, why do you think you can make a difference in anybody else's??" My fingers freeze and my head decides it would just be easier to go play a game than to agonize over something wise and witty to say here.
I read all the blogs that I love so much and the words are so alive, insightful, and delightful that I feel small and incompetent by comparison. My head says, "Now THAT'S someone who can contribute something to the greater good. And look at all those great comments. Who are you to add you own banal thoughts to theirs?" And so I read, and smile, and send up my prayers, and laugh, and cry, and encourage in silence - a lurker too intimidated to push my mind out of the way and allow my heart to speak.
Then yesterday I took my Girl to a counseling appointment. The psychologist said "Listen to your mother, she loves you and is very smart about this stuff. You guys never leave here without ME having learned something from HER." My mind screamed, "HUH?? Sure, lady." But my heart had already spoken, so my mind hadn't had a chance to shut it up.
Back in the lobby the receptionist asked my advice on how to handle a problem in her relationship with her boyfriend. "How did you and Hubby make it for 27+ years?" That's an easy question for me to answer and so I shared. And she said, "Wow, you should be writing an advice column." My mind screamed, "HUH? what tha..." but it couldn't finish it's thought because my heart had found its voice and was singing too loudly for my head to be heard.
One of the things my heart told the receptionist is that when it comes to fear and anxiety you have to NAME IT before you can TAME IT. If you can't put a name on what is bothering you, there is NO way you are ever going to be able to deal with it effectively. It is how our marriage has survived. It is how I have survived.
Suddenly, in that moment, my head realized that in order for me to get my blog back on I was going to have to NAME my problem here in the blogverse. So here I am, proclaiming my indimidation: My fear that sharing my never ending rollercoaster of a life with you will make you turn away because NOBODY has that many problems so you might think I'm making it up. Believe me, I wish I was.
OK - so now I've named it. Hmmm, it's not so big and scary here in print. I can't promise that I will post every day - I've never done that anyway. I can't promise that I will go back and comment on every post I've lurked on over the last month or so. But I can promise that I will be better at letting you know when I'm around from now on. I can promise that I will get back to piecing together some sort of literary intelligence out of the puzzle that is my world on my more normal couple-of-times-a-week schedule.
In the mean time - here's your takeaway from this project: 1. Whatever you fear can control you. 2. If it goes unnamed, it will grow, untamed.
Wishing you Peace, Blessings, and the strength to face your fears.