If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck

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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Saying Goodbye

I was tired. After several weeks of sleeping on a cot I just wanted to close my eyes for a minute. So I turned backward on the hard, stiff-backed chair and rested my head on my hands. While I rested I thought back over what had brought us to this place on this day.

A couple of months before Twig was born in 1982 Mother called to ask if I thought she should go to the doctor after having bloody diarrhea. I asked her why she was calling me instead of the doctor. She decided that since it was only that one time, she’d wait and see if it happened again. Two days later she was in the hospital being transfused because of blood loss. When she hadn’t had any more episodes during her hospital stay, and the lower GI hadn’t shown anything, they let her go home with instructions to follow up with her primary care physician if she had further problems. A week or so later she had another occurrence and her doctor scheduled a colonoscopy. As it turned out, that test was performed on the day that Twig was born. Without telling me what was going on, Mom had the test in the morning and then came to the hospital and stayed with me until I delivered her second grandson. I could not have done it without her.

The initial test results came back while I was still in the hospital. (Back then when you had a baby they kept you for a minimum of 5 days.) She had some minor polyps that they sampled for a biopsy. Nothing to worry about, said her doctor. When they turned out to be malignant he told her that they were very small and repeated that there was nothing to worry about so it was ok for her to take a couple of weeks to clear things up at work before scheduling the surgery to remove them. Two weeks turned into nearly three months as she stalled and postponed always citing the doctor’s statement that there was nothing to worry about. By the time she finally underwent surgery, the very fast-growing cancer had perforated her intestinal wall and metastasized (spread) to her liver. They gave her less than two years to live.

She immediately started a very aggressive series of chemotherapy and radiation treatments that left her predictably weak and tired all the time. She underwent two more surgeries. She lost nearly 100 lbs. and all of her hair, but she never lost her positive attitude and infectious laugh. Or her hope.

While her sisters and some friends helped as much as possible, as her only child, it fell to me to try to take care of her and my dad during the times she was in the hospital. I arranged to have someone with her during the daytime while I was working and I spent nights sleeping by her side to make sure her every need was met. When the end came nearer I took a leave of absence and spent the last 2 weeks constantly by her side.

I am so grateful that I had that time with her. We talked about everything under the sun: shared joys and sorrows; all of our differences, grievances and mistakes. We laughed and remembered and apologized and forgave. Thanks to that time together, by the time I was sitting backward in the chair resting my eyes, there was nothing left unsaid between us – and no more time to say it if there had been. Sometime during the course of the last 24 hours she had slipped into a coma.

My husband touching me on the arm pulled me back from my faraway thoughts. Facing him, with my back to Mother, I opened my eyes and the look on his face said it all. “She’s gone,” he said so softly that it was almost a whisper. I later learned that he was looking at her face when one tear slid slowly down her cheek, she sighed and was still. The pain and humiliation she had suffered during her long, hard, struggle were finally over and she was at peace. At the age of 27 I became a motherless daughter.

Today marks the 24th anniversary of my mother’s permanent address change. While this date is always remembered and the loss mourned, this year has hit me particularly hard. You see, this year I am the age that my mother was at her passing: just a few months shy of her 52nd birthday. In my mid 20s, 50-something seemed so very far away. It seemed enough time to live a whole life. Now, sitting here I realize just how NOT enough it is. The reality of how young Mother was has gripped my heart causing pain unlike anything I’ve felt since 1984. I look at my life and think, how could I be dead today and it all have been enough? It can’t. Even a million more todays can never be enough time to love your children; to laugh with your friends; to hold your one true love; to see the light and joy in the eyes of your grandchildren when you walk through the door. The best that any of us can hope for is the grace and strength to live today with all the love, courage, compassion, and joy we can muster. And in the end be strong enough to help those we leave behind say goodbye.

33 comments:

  1. As always, so beautifully written. And so sincere that I even feel your loss. And you are so right, 50 is not so old anymore. I often think to myself, if I were to pass on soon, would my grandkids remember me. That makes me want to stay on this earth a little longer. I love you and am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now.
    Margie

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  2. Damama,

    I am so sorry for your loss. That was such a touching tribute to your mom.

    I recently wrote something on my mom and a man left a comment stating he is writing a book about mothers and daughters and looking for stories. He has published several books. He gave me his website. I think you should contribute something to him about your mom. If you want information, just e-mail me and I'll get it to you.

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  3. How strange it is to be a Motherless Daughter. This year marked the "anniversary" of my Mother's death in which I reached her age as well. She was 43, I was 12. She had a massive coronary on Sept 2nd, 1976 and diednine days later on Setember 11th. I am fully reminded of my loss by the entire news media every year. My first thought when my eldest daughter was born, was that I wished my mom could have been there to meet her. Then I realized that she probably picked out the sweet soul that God sent to me and loved her before I met her! My second daughter used to tell me things that Grandma Jo told her in their conversations toghether...that was when she was around three. The stories always made me feel that Mom was/is still watching over me and praying FOR me...which is what I need the most!I am glad that you had such a wonderful chance to talk and settle all of those things with your mom. Losing your mother is never OK, but you can get through it, and remember to say that which Should Be Said to our loved ones more readily. God Bless, E

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  4. Very, very moving. I'm so sorry for your sadness. Your mother was very lucky to have you there by her side and through her life.

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  5. Dang it, Damama, I just put my make-up on and now I'm all streaky. Oh well, it'll match my new highlights. I'm sorry you lost her when you were both so young. About this weekend, while it sounds fun, I just got out of the hospital yesterday after a four day stay. My heart is acting up (stupid heart) so I've already got plans for the weekend with my kiddos to make up for lost time and a tough week on them and my hubby. I think your post hit me extra hard because of the past days' events. My biggest fear is NOT losing one of my kids because I know they'd be with God. My biggest fear is leaving them before they're ready (if that ever happens)and turning them into "motherless children". Thank you for sharing and God bless.

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  6. What a touching post it made me cry partly for you losing your mom and partly because Friday is my dads birthday and this will be the first one since he died last summer very unexpectedly at the very young age of 50. I dont think if we had been given another 50 years it would have been any easier to say good bye. I am glad that you had a chance to say the things you needed to say and be with her til the end.

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  7. Margie - Thank you. I love you, too, and I know that that beautiful grandaughter of yours wants you around for a long, long time.
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    Debbie - It always amazes me what comes out when I sit down at the keyboard. This wasn't the tribute I'd planned, but it's what came out. I love the idea of contacting the author with a mother/daughter story. There are so many wonderful ones connected with my life. Thanks for the reminder. (I did see his note on your blog. I hope you contribute something, too!)
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    Elizabeth - Oh my. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to lose your mother at that early age. And isn't it a weird feeling to be that age now.

    I do truly believe that your daughter WAS seeing her. I don't for one minute believe that the God who loves us so much would put us on this earth to make such strong connections with each other to then simply take us off it and erase every good and wonderful thing from our thoughts. I choose to believe that we are allowed to watch over those we love until they can join. I know in the very core of my being that that my mother is still here whispering in my ear, guiding me and loving me - and yours is with you.

    Please email me. We have some things in common that I'd like to talk about off-line.
    ===============

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  8. Heather - Thank you. Actually, I was the lucky one to be able to be there. Lots of people don't get that chance.
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    Susan - Sorry about the makeup. I'm more sorry to hear that your heart is acting up. I can imagine how scared you are that you might not be there for your children. It was always my biggest fear, and the reason I quit smoking.

    Enjoy your time Saturday with your family. I'll be through there again sometime, so we'll have another chance to get together.

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  9. Brandy - I'm sorry for you loss. For me, losing someone unexpectedly is so much harder than knowing and having time to prepare. I'll be praying for your peace and comfort in the days to come.

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  10. What a sweet relationship you had with your mom. You will definetly be in my prayers!

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  11. So sorry about the loss of your mother. It is wonderful that you were able to be with her at the very end and everything was made right. I just dread the day I lose either of my parents. I think even more so I worry about leaving my kids motherless. This thought has been on my mind a lot lately. Being my kids are all still so young and my condition can only get worse, I just pray that I can see them grow up. Because of my worries I have been trying (and failing lots) to make the best of every day with my kids. I want the good memories to out weigh any bad ones. It's very hard to do when most days I feel like I'm losing my mind.
    I guess no one ever knows when their time is up in this world, so everyone should be making the most of their short time here.

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  12. Hi,
    I finally edited my account to make it easier to e-mail me directly. I sent an e-mail out thisafternoon to you, but I'm not sure if it got to you. I can't just click on links, because my husbands e-mail (microsoft) rerouts my entire inbox to his if I do that...ugh. I'm looking forward to a good "chat".
    God Bless, EJT

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  13. This was so touching. So beautiful. I am sorry for your loss. I miss my own mother. I guess you never really get used to it, but this was a beautiful, touching post. Thanks for sharing.

    DeAnn

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  14. Oh Damama, my heart goes out to you!

    I'm so glad you and mom had that special time together. I wish I could come to Texas to give you a hug. This will have to suffice:

    ((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))).

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  15. WOW. I have tears in my eyes. No words can convey my sorrow for you losing your mom when she was so young. My heart goes out to you today over the miles and give you a hug.

    Thank you for the reminder to live for today and hug our kids close.

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  16. And by the way, your post made me decide to not write what I was going to write on my blog today :-) It hit me that hard :-)

    Hugs to you....

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  17. I'm mourning with you today. You will be in my heart this week.

    Know you are loved.

    xoxo

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  18. What a very loving tribute to your mom, who I am sure has been with you for each of the past 24 years. I haven't had to deal with a parent passing away, so I don't know how it feels, but I will say a prayer for you and your mom tonight.

    God Bless, Roger

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  19. May be, even with time to prepare ourselves, the loss is always present years after years, 24 years after as it was the first day. In fact, we can't be "prepared" to this separation, this link between a mother and her child is so strong (I feel that). As I see my mother every day, I have rarely thought of how would be my life without her (unconsciously I prefer not). Thanks to make me to make me more conscious of how lucky I am to get her so close.

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  20. Thank you for this post. I honestly couldn't make it through the video, it was to overwhelming. Kind of like when I try to read the book "I Love You Forever" alound to my sons.

    I think your responses to the comments are very kind, your mother would be (or is) so proud.

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  21. What a beautiful and thought-provoking post. You reminded me that I'm blessed to still have my mother with me - and that I need to keep living my life to the fullest.

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  22. Berezay - My mother was an amazing woman and we did have an sweet relationship. And isn't it cool that "amazing" doesn't always have to mean "perfect." Thank you so much for the prayers.
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    Lisa - Trying (and failing lots) and showing them that that's OK as long as they don't give up is a powerful gift to your children. Deep in their hearts they don't want you to be the perfect parent. They want to know that you love them beyond all reasoning; that you like the person they are becoming and honor their differences; that you value their presence in your life and will never abandon them - even in death. From what I've seen, you are doing all of that very, very well.

    Honey, my heart hurts for you because the fears you have aren't like the nebulous 'what ifs' most of us face. As you said, your condition has no physical happy ending. But you are a strong, loving, intuitive mother and your will find a way to make a peaceful ending for your children - no matter when that ending may come.

    You have my respect and admiration, lady. xoxoxo

    NOTE TO EVERYONE ELSE: If you want to see how to do this mothering thing the hard way, go visit over at Lisa's. I still haven't figured out how she does what she does!
    ===============

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  23. I'm so sorry for your loss, but that was beautifully written. As sad as it is, I have always loved this song. Thank you.

    www.kathy-iamwhoiam.blogspot.com

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  24. Elizabeth - I got the email. Yesterday was pretty much a lost day - I'll get back to you soon. ;o)
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    Daisy - Hi honey. I'm so glad to see you out and around. No, you never really get *used* to it. But you do get to a point where you can look at it without falling apart. And then you start learning to smile again, and laugh a little. And then one day you realize that, if you are very still and pay close attention, you can still feel her presence. Once you learn to recognize that feeling, she is never again very far away.

    Like I said, this year was so hard because of the age similarities. And that's OK. How hard it is waxes and wanes yearly depending on what else is going on in my life, so I know that it won't always be this difficult and I can move through it and get back to the day-to-day business of living my life the way she wanted me to: Joyous, peaceful, and grateful for each breath I take. Hang in there, kiddo. It's gonna be OK. You know where I am if you need me.
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    OH BRANDI! I may just have to head north to take you up on that. You have NO idea how much I would love nothing more than to be bear hugged right now. That's one of the things I miss most about her. She could hug the stuffing out of a polar bear and leave him feeling warm and loved enough to make it through the coldest winter. Gives me warm fuzzies just thinkin' about it. Thanks for the memory. xoxoxo
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    AZ - I'm honored that my story touched you. Today is all we are promised, and we do have to make it count. I know those two babies of yours know they are loved, today and always. You can see it in their faces in every picture.
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    Tammy - "Know you are loved." Oh MY GOOD LORD. That was one of my mother's favorite tag lines. See - I told you she was here with me. Thank you for speaking for her.
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    Mylhibug - You are so absolutely right - she's still with me. That's why I call it her "permanent address change." She just moved on to the next phase of the life cycle of the soul. Thank you for your prayers.
    ===============

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  25. Catherine - You are absolutely correct - no amount of preparation readies us for the reality of the loss; but it can lessen the long-term regrets that always accompany unfinished business. I understand the desire to not want to think about life without her. Please don't totally put it aside, though. Now is the time to start getting ready: learn her favorite sayings, write down her recipes (you will forget some of them eventually if you don't), ask her about her favorite childhood memories, TAKE PICTURES WITH YOU AND HER IN THEM. Ask her all the things you would want your children to know about you if you were no longer here. You will be surprised at some of the answers.
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    Robin - I love that book! And I can never make it through without crying, either. When the boys were in junior high and high school, 15-yr-old Bug bought it for me at a book fair. For a while before Twig went so far off track, at least once a week one of them would grab it and have me read it to them before they went to bed. We'd snuggle up on the couch and I'd read that sweet story to my 13 and 15-Y.O. sons. It was an amazing time. Thank you for reminding me of it. Now I'm sitting here crying again.
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    Angela - Cherishing your time with your mother (whether you like her all the time or not) is one of the best gifts you can give yourself and your children. In doing so, you teach them how to cherish their time with you (whether they like you all the time or not). I'm honored that you are touched by my words.
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    Kathy - Thank you, sweetie. You and I have that 'songs speak volumes more than I ever could' thing in common, don't we. I hope your job hunt is going well. You know I'm praying for you to find the PERFECT position.

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  26. Beautifully written and touching story. It saddens me to hear your story and stories like this always make me stop and think about my own life and relationships. Every now and then we need that, thanks!

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  27. My heart bleeds for you my love.
    Back in March 1959 my mother died after two days of illness when the flu virus we all had at the time invaded her whole system. She was just one week past her 53rd birthday. I was 6 weeks short of my 15th, and my sister was twelve and a half. Even now it still hurts that I never had a chance to say goodbye. I have now lived 11 years longer than she did. My parents were married for 19 years - I have been married for 35. This time next year will be the 50th anniversary of her death. I don't think of her every day - often not every week - but I still often hear something, or see something, or learn something that I'd like to tell her.
    And I still cry at times!

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  28. That was such a touching story, You really do write so well. Tears are still stinging my eyes. Even though my mom is sometimes a pain I would really miss her craziness. How wonderful that you were able to spend that time with your mom before she passed, I'm sure it has helped in so many ways throught the yrs. I'm going to call my mom right now and just tell her I love her, at which she will probably ask what I want.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Vanessa

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  29. I know exactly how you are feeling. My Mom was 39 when she found the lump that took her life 6 years later. Each year that I move a little closer to that mark, I become edgier and edgier about the topic of breast Cancer. I imagine that when I turn 39 in 7 years, the thought will be almost crippling. That's just too young.

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  30. Very touching story and so beautifully written. Also very timely as my own mother is flying in to visit. She arrives tomorrow for a 5 day stay. Your post will help me remember to be nicer during the visit.

    jenatwork.blogspot.com

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  31. Army Brats mom- It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and forget to take just a moment to stop and think about the things that we are truly grateful for. Glad I could serve as a reminder.
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    Dragonstar - How horrible it must have been to lose your mother so suddenly and at such a young age. The amazing strength you've shown throughout your life becomes even more amazing in this light. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It emphasizes so poignantly the unbreakable bond between mother and daughter. xoxoxo
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    Vanessa - Hopefully hearing from you didn't shock your mother too much! LOL!

    Thank you for the compliment. I just write from my heart and pray it actually makes sense.

    And about that mom craziness thing - your kids will think you are crazy too- no matter how hard you try to avoid it. ;o)
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    Burgh Mom - OH, sweetheart. I hope that instead of agonizing over it you make DAMN good and sure that you get regular checkups. They have such great new tests now. I insist on an MRI at least every other year instead of just the mamomasher because of the strong history of breast cancer in my genes.

    If you can stay strong and not allow it to cripple you, that precious Burgh Baby girl will learn so much about inner strength. I know you, too. You are one stubborn, tough chick and you will be OK. xoxoxo
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    Jen - As you've seen from other comment here, you never know when this time will be the last time. Be honest and open with her and always remember that no matter how annoying she is on the outside, on the inside she loves her baby girl. Enjoy your visit. I'd love to hear how it went.

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  32. That was an absolutely BEAUTIFUL post. Thanks so much for sharing. I actually read this a few days ago, but I was speechless and didn't know what to say - it was just so poignant.

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  33. Jules - I see I'm not the only night owl here! LOL! Thank you for your kind words. Not GO TO BED! ;o)

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