If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Monday, April 7, 2008

Meet the Kids: Daughter’s Broken Road Home

The first time she ever saw her new daughter is a memory that is seared into the heart of most mothers. That feeling is no different for me even though the first time I laid eyes on my daughter she was already 10 years old. And belonged to someone else.

In 2001, as a worship leader at the church I’d attended for several years, I was never shy about talking about my life. I’ve always felt that God wouldn’t have put me through all of it – good and bad – if He hadn’t wanted some greater good to come out of it. That summer a couple who had recently transferred to Houston started attending our church with their 9-year-old son. The morning that I witnessed about the miracle of my own adoption, the mother (we’ll call her MR for now) told me the story of the adoption of their son. She began asking my advice on how to best help him overcome some of the pains of his past and I was honored to offer whatever wit and wisdom I could.

In December, the boy’s sister was brought to visit him by the foster family she was living with. She was cute and sweet with big hazel-green eyes that spoke such sadness that my arms ached to fold her in and never let the world hurt her again. I was glad to learn that the foster parents were in the process of adopting her. Soon she would never have to be hurt again because she’d have a family to love and protect her. I hugged her and told her that she and I had lots in common because I was adopted when I was 10, too. We were a couple of very lucky girls, indeed! She didn’t seem to know how to handle being hugged. I thanked God again that He’d seen fit to give her a home to get her out of the cold system that had left her so distant and withdrawn. Little did I know on that Christmas Eve that in just a few short months her whole world would again be shattered.

On Sunday, June 30, 2002, MR and family, including the girl attended church. I was surprised, but strangely excited to see her again. She didn’t remember me at all. After the service MR asked me to pray with her. In the prayer room, out of her son’s earshot, she told me that the foster family was considering returning the girl to Children’s Protective Services (CPS) custody. She had become so violent and aggressive that they just couldn’t handle her anymore. She was “visiting” with her brother while the foster family made their final decision. My heart broke and I asked what I could do. MR asked me if I would talk to the girl and try to help her understand that her life could be better, but she had to want it. I agreed to take her on an outing on July 4th.

We met at the church and the little girl shyly agreed to come shopping with me while her brother’s family went to some boring Boy Scout meeting or something. I told her that I needed help picking out some gifts for a friend and since I didn’t have little girl of my own, I was hoping she’d help me decide what would be best. (Of course, she didn’t know that she was picking out her own stuff.) After a couple of hours of shopping we stopped for lunch at my favorite Italian food place and we talked about life as a foster kid and about how hard it was to be separated from her brother. After lunch we went to Target where she found a sweet little silver necklace she wanted to buy. It said, “Daddy’s Angel.” She bought the necklace with her own money so she could take it home to give to her “new daddy” after the adoption was finalized. It took every ounce of self control I had not to break down and cry right there. She had no idea what was going on in her world and only wanted to be loved enough to be considered somebody’s angel.

It was almost time to meet MR back at the church, so we went by my house because she wanted to meet the crazy bird, Mikey, and Tessa, the wonder dog I’d told her about. This was the first time she would meet my husband, too. No longer nervous and shy, she bounded into the house and smiled the smile that won his heart forever. She sat and talked easily about her love of animals and swimming. We invited her back to visit any time she wanted to play with Tessa or practice her backstroke in our pool. And then it was time to let her go. That night Hubby and I talked about what a shame it was that God hadn’t seen fit to give us a little girl of our own.

The next Sunday MR came to me crying saying that it was over. The foster parents had made the decision and as soon as it could be arranged they would be relinquishing her to CPS. By the following Sunday, it was done. I was devastated by the knowledge that she was about to become a statistic. A child lost in a system with no hope of getting out without a miracle. I knew then and there that I was supposed to be that miracle. Back at home after the service, I told Hubby what had happened. His first question was, “What do you want to do?” My response was swift: “I want her.” And without hesitation, he said, “Then let’s go get her.”

I’d love to be able to tell you that we rushed out right then and brought her home, but that would not have been a mature and responsible way of dealing with the situation. Believe me; the last thing I wanted to be was mature and responsible. I knew in my heart that the little girl God had meant to be my daughter was out there somewhere alone and hurting. Like any mother, the only thing I wanted to do was to get to her as fast as possible. However, I knew rationally that this decision would alter our lives forever. Hubby and I had to make sure that we were willing to take on a child with all the baggage this one carried. For nearly five years it had been just the two of us; free to come and go as we pleased. Were we truly ready to get back into the parenting game? On top of all that, the last thing we wanted to do was to take her and then end up having to give her back like all the others had. We spent several weeks praying about it and investigating the situation more. Finally, with August nearing its end, we knew that we were ready to accept her into our hearts and our home. I called CPS the next morning and learned that getting her home would be an uphill battle.

“Why would you want her? She’s already failed out of two adoptions.” was the first thing out of the case worker’s mouth when I told her that I was interested in this particular child. I’d already spent over an hour in long distance terminal hold and transfer hell just trying to get the case worker’s name. Now, I could not believe what I was hearing. “Why the HELL would you even ask me a question like that right off the bat?” I screamed back at her. I’d introduced myself and explained my relationship with the child. I’d already given her a brief synopsis of my history and life status. She’d listened without saying a word, and then THIS came out of her mouth?? I was furious to say the least.

Knowing that screaming at the woman wouldn’t help any, I took a deep breath and said “Tell you what, why don’t you give me your supervisor’s name and I’ll deal directly with that person since you don’t seem to want to do anything to help me, OK??” Despite my best efforts, it was dripping with sarcasm and venom. Dang it! I really hadn’t meant to sound so rude, so I was surprised when she immediately backed down and decided to start cooperating. She explained everything that we would have to go through to get approval to adopt. She said that she would send me the forms I needed to get started. Two weeks later, the forms still hadn’t arrived and I realized when she wouldn’t answer the phone or call me back that the case worker had no intention of allowing the girl to be placed in our home. She obviously had no idea with whom she was dealing. I picked up the phone and instead of calling her CPS office, I called my local division and asked to speak to the regional director. Finally, things started moving.

At the first meeting with our local people I explained that I wanted my daughter home for Christmas. They looked at me like I had three heads and said that things just didn’t happen that fast. It was already the second week in September and there was no way that we could get everything done and have her living with us in just 2-1/2 months. That was the first time that I said what would become the words that case workers, court clerks, and office staff members learned to hate: Don’t tell me it can’t be done. Tell me who I need to talk to to make it happen.

It took a monumental coordination effort involving three different government offices being required to play nice. And in truth, I think they were more scared of me causing some major trouble than they were concerned about my daughter’s well being. I didn’t care. My goal was to have her home by Christmas and I wasn’t letting anybody tell me that it couldn’t be done. We would take the required parenting classes in one county, have the home and personal investigations done through our local county, and schedule visitations with the girl through the county in which she lived. None of them liked not being in total control of the case. My standard response was: Tough cookies. I want my daughter home for Christmas.

On Christmas day, 2002, the child of my heart came home for good. Though the initial decision period is only supposed to be 6 months, Hubby and I refused to give in and allow her to be removed from our home when we weren’t ready to finalize in that short period of time. There were days when we truly doubted our sanity, but we never doubted that she was supposed to be ours. Nearly 16 months later, on April 7, 2004, we stood in front of a judge and committed to becoming a forever family.

Don’t get me wrong: this is not a fairytale ending where we ride off into the sunset with the birds singing and butterflies fluttering as the music crescendos to a rousing finish. It is a hard journey. It is a road that I would not recommend others walk unaware. But it is the right road for us. And even on the hard days, we bless the broken road that brought her home to us.

31 comments:

  1. That was, once again an absolutely beautiful post. Your daughter was so very lucky to find you, as you were to find her.
    And how IS she doing in school by the way? Haven't heard since your last post. And your hubs too? How's he doing - health-wise?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Jules - Thank you. I feel bad that it is so long, though. I kept trying to cut it down, and I did leave out a lot of detail. But I can't tell a story without TELLING THE STORY! LOL!

    Daughter is doing great. She made the Ranger team and was appointed squad leader last week. Hubs is fine now that his kidney infection is under control. Thanks so much for asking. Now lets both get to bed, K? LOL! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. It would be a miracle if the system could just do right by these kids. You have to sit back and wonder if they are intentionally making things impossible for families. If there were a lot more of you in the world, there would probably be no need for my blog. I hope you are allowing her to have a relationship with her brother. That's the worst part of the whole thing.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I certainly know about CPS and their so called system. I went through some trying times adopting my son. And I certainly know that the road was/is not easy. But when you love, you love. And when God puts that responsibility there, you can't pass it off to someone else. Love you, Margie

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh my goodness, I didnt want to cry this early in the morning! But Im weeping. What a beautiful story. What a lucky little girl and what lucky parents. I know its not all roses but there is love and thats what that little girl needed. Bless you!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love your tenacity, and you have no idea how inspiring your unconditional love for your daughter is to me.

    Don't EVER apologize for a story like this being long!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Damama,

    I strongly encourage you to post this on A mom's life, Miracle Monday because this is a miracle. That God would align your paths is amazing. You were meant to be together because you are probably the only two that truly understood each other and could work through things. Thanks for not sugar coating the ending because it makes it so much more of a miracle to know you continue to work to be the best parent you can to an otherwise lost and forsaken innocent child.

    KEEP BELIEVING

    ReplyDelete
  8. This truly is a miracle! God had you in mind to be her Mommy long before you ever knew!

    I love how he brought you two together and I love that you worked so hard to get her home with you!

    What a great miracle!

    ReplyDelete
  9. damama,
    that was beautiful! thank you for posting it. my hubby and i have been discussing adoption for a while now...and are planning on going thru all the classes when our youngest is older (he is 2). it is so great to hear the reality of adopting thru state agencies. we still plan on adopting thru our state, but it is nice to know what we could be getting into.
    you are all so lucky to have found each other!

    ReplyDelete
  10. What a wonderful and amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing, and for opening your home to a girl who needed love and care when no one else would give it to her.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I feel so honoured to have read this. You and your daughter were obviously meant for eachother from the start, or you could not have recognised her the way you did.
    I'm so glad she's doing well at school.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh that was so beautiful!!!

    I had forgotten about your blog till I ran across a question you asked me. I answered it today.

    I will be back to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  13. That is a beautiful story. I love that it's real. I have a deep admiration for adoptive parents.

    When we were younger, my parents took in foster kids. I feel bad for all the kids that are shuffled around to different families. That has got to be the hardest thing in the world for kids to have to deal with. Athough we made the kids feel welcome in our home, (as I'm sure most foster families do) those kids know that it's not permanent. And it seemed because of that they had a hard time letting us get close to them.

    Thank you for taking on the huge responsability and giving Daughter a real FAMILY!

    ReplyDelete
  14. wow! I don't even know what to say. You have touched me in ways I don't know how to discribe. My hubby and I have talked about adoption in just the last few days and then to read your post it make s my heart break. I always thought that I wanted to take in foster children but after volunteering on a Foster Care Review Board, I knew I could never be a foster parent. I wish I could get that same comfimation about what we should do.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Sounds like you and your hubby are two amazing people and that your daughter is lucky to have you!!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Awesomely beautiful, thank you for sharing your miracle.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh you know how this post would affect me. In tears I type this. You are amazing. She is amazing. It's an amazing story. Your blog always gives me so much HOPE.

    ....thank you.... for posting such a beautiful story.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Once again you have moved me to tears. Your story is beautifully written about your daughter. I agree..when you know SHE was meant to be YOUR daughter, there is not a government entity that can stand in your way. I feel that way about both of my kids even if they were adopted as infants. I knew then as much as I know NOW they were meant to be my kids from the day they were born. Thank you for sharing your story!

    ReplyDelete
  19. You're right to share the story of "your daughter's birth". It shows us that the strength of will of one mother is infinite and without weakness. your husband is amazing too(I think he knows your tenacity as well). How did your children welcome their new sister? As you and your husband've educated them I'm sure they get your own sense of family love! Uncommensurable! Once, I've commented on whirligig daisy, telling her that You (Damama) were an angel at her side. I wasn't wrong.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Daughter sure is blessed with a great set of parents. I'm so glad you were able to follow through and not just mourn her circumstances.

    Knowing that Daughter had such a hard time before she came home just makes her successes seem that much sweeter.

    Did she still have the necklace when the adoption was finalized?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow, you are one amazing lady! What a beautiful story about saving a little girl from the system. How is your daughter now?

    ReplyDelete
  22. This is an absolutely beautiful story. Unfortunately, I can see somebody asking why you would want to adopt her, but only because I've seen it. It is so sad. I wanted to adopt all of the girls at Spectrum but couldn't. So many people were like, "Yeah but she did it to herself." Not all of them did, and even the ones who did, well they are still young. Everybody deserves to be loved and have a family. I'm glad your daughter found that and you were able to make it happen despite the obstacles.

    www.kathy-iamwhoiam.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  23. LK - We allow contact with her brother only so long as they both do not repeat their typical patterns of regression after a visit.
    ================
    Margie - AMEN. Love you, too.
    ================
    Mrs. D - I hope you didn't cry off your perfect makeup. ;o) Yes, we are blessed - crazy, but blessed! LOL! Thanks for stopping by.
    ================
    Kalynne - My dad use to say that I could argue the horns off a brass billygoat. LOL! Hang in there, sweetheart. Unconditional love is not easy and does not mean that the path is bump free. It just means that no matter how long the road is, you will be there with open arms to celebrate winning the race together.
    ===============
    Angie - I took your advice. Now I just need to add the link back here. Thanks for the reminder!

    You are right - it is a miracle and I didn't mention that the boy's family was not even a member of the faith of the church we attended. Something just drew them there to visit and they stayed. God had it under control even when we didn't know aything needed controlling!

    And I'm a haunted house - remember? I NEVER sugar coat things. Ever. and it has sometimes cost me dearly. ;o)
    ===============
    Beth - I believe that, too. Everything I lived through up to then had been preparing me for her arrival.
    ===============
    Zookeeper Bauer - Adoption is a hard, but worthwhile endeavor. I hope it works out for you.

    Please don't get me wrong - dealing with the agencies was time consuming and tedious, but they really were great about getting it all done even though it was WAY outside their normal operating procedures. I am grateful for most all of the people we dealt with (excluding, of course, the caseworker who didn't want D placed anywhere!)
    ===============
    Heather - It is amazing, isn't it. Thankfully, nobody else was supposed to be her mom. ;o)
    ===============
    Dragonstar - "could not have recognized here" - I hadn't thought about it that way, but you are right. I did recognized her as mine from the beginning.
    ===============

    ReplyDelete
  24. Angela - Don't worry about forgetting about me. *sniff sniff* I'm OK. *sniff sniff* No hurt feelings or anythiiiiiing. *waaaaaaa*. ;o) I have to admit that if I don't have somebody on my blogarhythm list I sometimes lose track, too. See you soon.
    ================
    LIsa - The hardest part about being a foster kid is that they can come and pick you up at the drop of a hat. You COULDN'T get too comfortable or you'd get hurt again and again. It breaks my heart to know that there are still kids out there who need a home. If things were different in my life, I'd take a dozen more.
    ===============
    Tari - What more confirmation can you get than having this touch you so deeply just after discussing the possibility of adoption? I couldn't foster, either. Knowing that the children could be sent back to the place where they were hurt to begin with would just be too hard.

    I'll pray for you and your husband to find the right path.
    ===============
    UtMom - Thank you, but 'amazing' might be a little strong. Caring, loving, snd stubborn as all hell... yep we are definitely that! LOL! Thank you for the compliment, though.
    ===============
    Denise - thank you. I'm glad you stopped by.
    ===============
    Tammy - I'm sorry I made you cry. Again. ;o) I'm honored that you find my experiences helpful.
    ===============
    AZ - Isn't it an amazing feeling that this person who you've never seen before is undoubtedly YOURS. I love it!
    ================
    Catherine - Yes, Hubby knows that once I get my teeth in something, I don't let it go! LOL!

    Regarding the boys - they accepted her unconditionally as their sister. They have amazed even me.

    Thank you for calling me an angel. That is what my mother called me. As a matter of fact, the last words she said to me were, "I love you, my angel." Now you have me crying. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Brandi - When you KNOW that it is YOUR child, you have to act. And you haven't heard HALF the horrible story of her life. The fact that she is who she is, warts and all, is a miracle all in itself.

    When that adoption failed, she broked the necklace and threw it in the trash. Thinking of her doing that makes me cry even now.
    ===============
    Angela - thank you, but, as I've said before, I don't feel amazing. I feel blessed to have been given the strength and training to handle the job God gave me. What's that saying, "God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called." Well, in my case, he's done both.

    D is... ummm.. it's a long story. But "OK" will suffice for now. ;o)
    ===============
    Kathy - Of all the people here, I knew that you would know best just how hard the life we accepted with D has turned out to be. And I get so angry when people use that "she did it to herself" crap. If somebody hadn't done it to these girls in the first place, they wouldn't be in places like Spectrum. At some point as adults they will have to make the decision to continue being a problem or to get it together and make something of their lives. But while they are kids they just need to be loved and valued and told every day that they are worthy of a good life. It breaks my heart that there are so few people out there who are willing to take the challenge to make a difference. Thank you for being one of the ones who at least tried.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi That is such a touching story, As a Foster Parent, myself, I have to deal with cps, and other agencies, and they are all a bunch of hot heads mostly unable of unwilling to help you, so I am amazed at how quickly she was in your home.

    It is so sad about the other adoption failing, poor girl had no clue about it, and bout that necklace, and then feeling bad and breaking it. That just makes me so sad.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Gracie - I found that the best way to get through to them was to keep asking them what was in the best interest of THIS child. Hadn't she already been through enough. Did they really want the world to know that they had allowed her to live one more second longer in the system? Usually, threatening to shine light on their dark little corners gets them moving. ;o)

    I'll be over later to check oh you and G-man. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  28. Damama, I knew when I first read your blog that it seemed like I already knew you. Maybe we just have alot in common.

    Two of my three boys are adopted. I also just knew that I was those boys' mother. It has taken a lot of work by me and my husband and just plain stubborness on my part to get my boys what they needed.

    Like you, I ache for those kids still without a home.

    ReplyDelete
  29. What a beautiful story-thank you for sharing it. It is so sad that these children have to suffer so much-first from dysfunctional birth parent homes and then to suffer so much in the system....

    ReplyDelete
  30. that was amazing! My brother is adopted, but he was just a baby and somewhat easy to love....very high strung baby. I thank his birth mother daily (in prayer) for loving him enough to give him to us, no matter what her reasons were! I ABSOLUTELY know I want to adopt at some point. The thought of adopting an older child is VERY appealing to me, I am still in the thought and getting my ducks in a row process.(money) I worry of the children I already have and what we will be taking on, I'm up for the challenge of the child, I'm just wanting to make sure the children are as well...I totally trust though that my husband and I will be guided when that time comes!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Has your daughter read this post? I think maybe you should print it or paint it on her ceiling in her room so she has a constant reminder of your love for her. Especially at times when she's pushing as hard as she can to test that love.

    You are absolutely amazing!

    ReplyDelete

WELL HOWDY!! Thanks so much for popping in to leave a note. PLEASE be sure to check the box by "E-mail follow-up comments to..." so that you'll get my response to your comment. I almost always respond personally And sorry for making you do the Word jumble mambo. I wish there weren't A***ole spammers running rampant in the blogverse!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails