Dear Mommy,

I am writing to tell you how adorable your children are. When you all came into the restaurant I was afraid you might be one of those quiet, reserved families that add absolutely no entertainment value to a room. I'm so glad you proved me wrong. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised given the fact that you had 5 kids under the age of 10.

Because each of your younguns put on his or her own special performance, please allow me to praise them individually.

First, how clever of you to dress the baby in nothing but a diaper. It can be so hot in crowded public places. Wouldn't want him (or her - forgive me, it's kind of hard to tell the gender of a 3- to 6-month-old with no clothing clues) to get over heated and start REALLY crying.

Next, I bet your 2/3-YO is going to be a reporter! The way she kept announcing everything that was going on was amazing. I was particularly impressed by her identification of one particularly foul odor as a dirty diaper. How observant of her to notice, and loudly point out, that she knew what it was because the "sh#*" was "running down his da#! leg." I wonder where on earth she picked up that language. Kids say the darndest things!

Your 4/5-YO son is obviously destined to be a musician. His ability to drum, tap, bang, or hit everything (or anybody) in sight may just develop into the coordination needed to succeed as a percussionist. He's off to a great start in his practice habits, too. I've seen all sorts of motivation techniques, but I've never ever seen one that seems to work as well as you telling him to "Stop it or I'm going to beat your a$$!" Reverse psychology. Very clever, indeed.

I was a little concerned about your 5/6-YO daughter who kept walking around and around the table saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy," but she settled right down after you took her to the bathroom with you to change the baby. I wonder what she was allergic to in there that caused her face to swell up like that on one side only. Very strange. I must say, though, that her use of the table cloth when she ran out of napkins to wipe her nose on was very resourceful. It was a shame that the server didn't get back with the extra napkins in time to keep her from wiping her greasy, sticky, ketchup-covered hands on the 2/3-YO's hair. However, I must thank her for busting the myth that a sustained high-pitched screeching banshee from hell scream note can break glass. Also, I had no idea a 2/3-YO's lungs could hold that much air.

Last, I was thoroughly impressed with your 6/7-YO son's ability to sit there and play his video games with such concentration even amidst all the excitement. I guess the music and sound effects from the game he was playing drowned out the rest of the world for him. With such selective hearing abilities, perhaps he has a future as a high school teacher? LOL! What was that game he was playing, anyway? It sure sounded action-packed. I bet my nephews would love it, but they'd probably need headphones in order to drown out the external noises. Poor things.

It is such a shame that your husband appears to be deaf and half blind as he seems to miss out on so many of the delightful antics. I guess his cell phone has some sort of special adaptations that allow him to use it with such apparent ease. By the way, could you please ask him what the tune is that he has set as his ring tone? Even after hearing it 13 times I still couldn't place it.

And finally, our waitress asked me to convey her greetings. She is so sweet. I always try to sit at her station when we dine there. I'm sure she didn't mind that you left no tip. After all, it IS her job to clean up after the restaurant's guests and it really didn't take THAT long to wash down all the chairs, scrape the smushed in french fries off the carpet, refill the salt and pepper shakers, replenish the supply of sugar packets, and scrub the ketchup off the wall. Speaking of ketchup, I guess one of the other guests grabbed the ketchup bottle off the table because she never did find it. Or the butter dishes. Or the bread basket. Isn't it amazing how things just sprout feet and walk away?

Well, I will close now. I've taken up enough of your valuable time. Have a great day, now, ya hear!

ps: A friend of mine may be interested in talking to you about your awesome parenting skills. She's really busy most of the time, but I'm sure the CPS office where she works would let her take some extra time to come visit. Let's keep an eye out for each other so we can exchange contact information the next time we meet. Mmkay? TTFN