If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck


Monday, July 28, 2008

Dear Mommy,

I am writing to tell you how adorable your children are. When you all came into the restaurant I was afraid you might be one of those quiet, reserved families that add absolutely no entertainment value to a room. I'm so glad you proved me wrong. I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised given the fact that you had 5 kids under the age of 10.

Because each of your younguns put on his or her own special performance, please allow me to praise them individually.

First, how clever of you to dress the baby in nothing but a diaper. It can be so hot in crowded public places. Wouldn't want him (or her - forgive me, it's kind of hard to tell the gender of a 3- to 6-month-old with no clothing clues) to get over heated and start REALLY crying.

Next, I bet your 2/3-YO is going to be a reporter! The way she kept announcing everything that was going on was amazing. I was particularly impressed by her identification of one particularly foul odor as a dirty diaper. How observant of her to notice, and loudly point out, that she knew what it was because the "sh#*" was "running down his da#! leg." I wonder where on earth she picked up that language. Kids say the darndest things!

Your 4/5-YO son is obviously destined to be a musician. His ability to drum, tap, bang, or hit everything (or anybody) in sight may just develop into the coordination needed to succeed as a percussionist. He's off to a great start in his practice habits, too. I've seen all sorts of motivation techniques, but I've never ever seen one that seems to work as well as you telling him to "Stop it or I'm going to beat your a$$!" Reverse psychology. Very clever, indeed.

I was a little concerned about your 5/6-YO daughter who kept walking around and around the table saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy," but she settled right down after you took her to the bathroom with you to change the baby. I wonder what she was allergic to in there that caused her face to swell up like that on one side only. Very strange. I must say, though, that her use of the table cloth when she ran out of napkins to wipe her nose on was very resourceful. It was a shame that the server didn't get back with the extra napkins in time to keep her from wiping her greasy, sticky, ketchup-covered hands on the 2/3-YO's hair. However, I must thank her for busting the myth that a sustained high-pitched screeching banshee from hell scream note can break glass. Also, I had no idea a 2/3-YO's lungs could hold that much air.

Last, I was thoroughly impressed with your 6/7-YO son's ability to sit there and play his video games with such concentration even amidst all the excitement. I guess the music and sound effects from the game he was playing drowned out the rest of the world for him. With such selective hearing abilities, perhaps he has a future as a high school teacher? LOL! What was that game he was playing, anyway? It sure sounded action-packed. I bet my nephews would love it, but they'd probably need headphones in order to drown out the external noises. Poor things.

It is such a shame that your husband appears to be deaf and half blind as he seems to miss out on so many of the delightful antics. I guess his cell phone has some sort of special adaptations that allow him to use it with such apparent ease. By the way, could you please ask him what the tune is that he has set as his ring tone? Even after hearing it 13 times I still couldn't place it.

And finally, our waitress asked me to convey her greetings. She is so sweet. I always try to sit at her station when we dine there. I'm sure she didn't mind that you left no tip. After all, it IS her job to clean up after the restaurant's guests and it really didn't take THAT long to wash down all the chairs, scrape the smushed in french fries off the carpet, refill the salt and pepper shakers, replenish the supply of sugar packets, and scrub the ketchup off the wall. Speaking of ketchup, I guess one of the other guests grabbed the ketchup bottle off the table because she never did find it. Or the butter dishes. Or the bread basket. Isn't it amazing how things just sprout feet and walk away?

Well, I will close now. I've taken up enough of your valuable time. Have a great day, now, ya hear!

ps: A friend of mine may be interested in talking to you about your awesome parenting skills. She's really busy most of the time, but I'm sure the CPS office where she works would let her take some extra time to come visit. Let's keep an eye out for each other so we can exchange contact information the next time we meet. Mmkay? TTFN


  1. LOL!!! What a great time you had!

  2. hehehe, this reminds me of the "dandruff" poem....

  3. Classy! I wish my kids were that well behaved. I must not be working hard enough.

  4. I have worked fast food off and on since I was 16 (will turn 28 in just under 2 months) and I have witnessed such behavior OFTEN!! :(
    I had one set of teens come into a BK I worked at that had a play area. I was sent out to said play area to tell the teens to get out of it. They took their revenge by smearing ketchup over all tables, windows, walls, & seats out there before they left!

  5. Damama,

    How wonderful of you to find the positives in this situation...

    what were they again?...


  6. This was pretty funny. I've oftern wanted to write similar letters - Letting other parents know what a terrific, bang-up job they are doing!!


  7. Oh, Yikes!
    That is always So much fun...
    I waitressed for years and there is nothing like a table that drives you nuts and then stiffs you. UGH :(

  8. Whenever I see a family like that, I want to snatch the kids and rescue them (or at least give them a fighting chance.) Too bad the law frowns on that.

  9. In all seriousness, if you ever do see a kid who actually seems to be being abused, make sure you get the license plate number and let the CPS know. It Might be a hassle to good parents, but it can save the Life of the children of not-so-good parents.


  10. Oh, you were the one watching us. LOL

  11. Blissy,

    STOP freaking me out - were we at the same place?

    Glad to see you are back to being YOU.

    Much love,


  12. Wow my boys are bad little boys but usually people find them funny not obnoxious. And the waitresses love when Korbin tells them "you are beautiful" or the waiters that "they are cool". It's sweet. I try to have more control than that and if that doesn't work we'll try shock collars next! Hehe just kidding!

  13. It has been a very long and rough day, but you actually made me... almost smile!

    I do hate going out and encountering such splendid behavior, you see, I missed out on all that "fun" with my girls.

  14. Yikes! We'd probably look something like that in a restaurant if we weren't extra careful to be mindful of others. I think we'll continue being pretty strict. I would hate to others like that.

  15. "I would hate to others like that."

    I think I meant to say I would hate to bother others like that.

  16. Haha! I was going to put the same "Oh, we ate at the same place apparenly" comment that everyone else did. :) It's slightly overused by now, though.

  17. Yikes! I've seen families like that too and wonder if they are that bad in public, what goes on behind closed doors?

  18. Oh, my. Poor babies. Margie

  19. Hilarious! Talk about looking on the bright side of things.

  20. Hee Hee! You ran into my family members, how sweet!

  21. Were you at the table next to us last week? Wait, you said 5 kids, right?
    We only have 4.


    Before we enter a restaurant with our children, I make them recite (in unison) our family's "Restaurant rules."

    #1. Don't sit on anyone's head.
    #2. Eat your food, nobody else's.
    #3. Don't sit on anyone's head.
    #4. Speak quietly.
    #5. Don't sit on anyone's head.

    It's sad, but each of those rules were created for a reason.

    I have been known to take a misbehaving child and haul them out of the restaurant to the car and let the rest of the family enjoy their meal in peace. (and bring mine home in a doggy bag)

    I once told my (then four year old) son to tell the kid at the next table to sit down and eat his food.
    It actually worked.


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