If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck


Thursday, March 6, 2008

Meet The Fids: Snidely Whiplash – Naked Fid #1

** Wednesday, December 3, 2008: This is probably cheating, but I just found about Mama's Losin It!!'s weekly Writer's Workshop and I selfishly wanted to get in on it. However, I don't have time to write anything else up today, so I'm dragging this out of the archives. If you've already read it, no problem... just read it again! LOL! I promise next week I will do better. Ok, Enough of my blathering... On with the show!!**


I keep getting emails from people wanting to know more about my Cast of Characters. So starting now, I'm beginning a new series called Meet The Fids (Furred & Feathered Kids). Another series will start soon to introduce the more human members of the cast. So, without further ado, I'd like to introduce:

Snidely Whiplash – Naked Fid #1

Throughout the years we've had a plethora of critters (2-, 4-, and no-legged) pass through our domicile. The kids were always wanting a pet – not an abnormal desire – however Hubby was dead set against adopting 4-legged furry critters (fids or furry kids) and so a couple of times we opted for more reptilian pets (naked fids) because they offered the benefits of confined housing and shorter life spans.

Our first naked fid was a red-eared slider the boys found roaming the street after having presumably been displaced by all the construction in our new neighborhood. They insisted that he was homeless and it was our duty to help him. So, Snidely Whiplash took up residence in an aquarium in the living room.

This red-eared slider is not Snidely. For some stupid reason I never took any pictures of him!

I did my best to take good care of him, but his water was often not as clean as it should have been, and sometimes the boys would forget to feed him his freshies (veggies I’d already chopped up and bagged for easy dispensing). Eventually his shell started getting scaly and his little head seemed to get droopy and I realized that a wild turtle just couldn’t live in captivity – at least not with our clan as his captors. I was in the process of trying to figure out how to break it to the boys when Grandma and Grandpa (Hubby’s parents) came for a visit.

Grandma has always been a talker. Back then, she had a conversational loop of about 15 minutes. She’d tell the same things in the same order and the same tone of voice over and over... and over... and over...and... hardly slowing down enough to take a breath between the end of one loop and the beginning of the next. (Thankfully, since Pop died she gets out more and has a longer loop – but that’s whole ‘nother story.) On the occasion of this visit, Grandma was into her third or fourth loop replay when Twig decided that he was bored. He wanted to show off Snidely, so he got him out of the tank and brought him over to where Grandma was standing during her oration. Ever so patiently he waited with Snidely held at chest level, and waited. And waited. And waited until his eight-year-old enthusiasm finally got the better of him. He just HAD to get Grandma’s attention. And what better way to get a 55-year-old woman’s attention than to poke her in the arm with a turtle??

It all happened so fast and so slowly at the same time. You know that slow-motion, time whizzing by as it stands still feeling that causes your head to spin and your brain to scream, NOOOOOO!!!! while at the same time your body is unable to move because there seems to be some invisible goo that is making movement impossible... yeah, that. Before I could stop it, Snidely reacted to the elbow aggressor in the only way he knew how – he bit it. Not just a little nip. Not a quick pinch and release. OHHH NOOOO – he latched on and HELD ON! And in that same instant of timelessness, Grandma, having suddenly realized that she’d become a turtle hanger, screamed bloody murder spewing several curse words that I’m not sure many drunken sailors would consider appropriate for use even in a barroom brawl.

Flailing her arms wildly, she kept turning in circles trying to see what had hold of her. I reached her just as she was about to fling her arm again and grabbed it yelling, “MOM! STOP! He’s never gonna let go if you keep trying to shake him off!” Once she stopped thrashing around I was able to grab the poor dazed and confused turtle and lift him up to at least take the pressure of his weight off of the mouthful of flesh. When Grandma quieted down I noticed that the guys, Bug, Twig, Hubby and Pop, were all literally holding their sides and howling with laughter. Well, that just set Grandma off again. It took every ounce of self control I had to keep from losing it myself and joining the guys in a hearty round of hysterical giggling, but I was way too close to my MIL to risk being backhanded! She was THAT steaming mad. LOL!

It took about 5 minutes of coaxing and the temptation of some fresh lettuce to get Snidely unattached and back in his aquarium. Amazingly, his strong grip hadn’t broken the skin, so there are no permanent scars to remind my MIL of her harrowing ordeal. To this day, though, she will cross to the other side of the road if she sees a turtle anywhere within 50’.

A few days later, after having him checked out by a rehabber to ensure he was healthy enough to survive, I took Snidely Whiplash out to the San Jacinto Monument and set him free. I hope that he invited all his new turtle buddies to share the feast of goodies I left. What better way is there to meet your new neighbors than to have a party?

This is exactly how I remember Snidley looking the last time I saw him. For some odd reason, he never looked back.

Picture credits:


  1. . . . . . . . . . .
    Hi! This is the Hare. Thought I'd jump in here and do a quick bump on this first comment because I know Snidley's previous hostess is too long winded and the title will cover up YOUR first comment! Gotta dash!!

  2. That is just way to funny. I can just see Grandma spinning around with a turtly clung to her arm. I can't believe it took 5 minutes to free her. That must have hurt. Yet again that life is funnier than fiction!

  3. We used to have a snapping turtle when I was really little. We found it in the ditch near our house. It must have been someone's pet, because it had a hole drilled in it's shell. We used the hole (and perhaps a ring that was already there?) to put it on a dog leash in our yard. It had about all a turtle could want in reach on that leash, except freedom. We came outside one day to find that the leash had been snapped. I can't remember what we named the turtle (Sam or something). Later, we got a dachshund and named it Snapper. My parents now have another dachshund and they named him Snapper II.

  4. Debbie - That name change threw me for a minute there! LOL! HI!

    5 minutes is probably an overexageration - it probably just seemed like an eternity! But you are right, life, especially mine, seems to always be much funnier than fiction!
    Brandi - A turtle on dog leash and dogs with a turtle name. That's cute. I wonder if the next people who found the turtle just tied a rope onto the end of the snapped leash. Poor critter couldn't win for losing if they did! LOL!

  5. We had a few turtles when I was very small all named Patrick. I don't know exactly what happened to them. I do know that Mom put one in the bathtub with about 1/2 inch of water once and it drowned. Hmm...I prefer Fids to Naked Fids though. Not really into scaly, slimy, squirmy things...Eewww.

  6. LOL That was sooo funny and the very reason why my kids don't have/will not have any pets. They keep asking and they did find a turtle once but we told the kids he would have to live outside and the smart turtle took off in the night never to been seen again.

  7. Sandra - Patrick? Really? Please tell me how they all ended up named Patrick! LOL! Oh, your poor mom! She must have felt horrible for offing the poor little guy. Be glad you only have girls. If you had boys you likely be subjected to a constant parade of naked fids in your face 'cuz they'd know it'd make you scream like a banshee! LOL!
    Lisa - Hubby hated and refused to have pets, too. We now have 3 in the house. We wore him down, and now he loves 'em all - except the bird which he only tolerates. LOL! I hope you hang around blogland long enough for me to see you crack too. You will, ya know... it's just a matter of time. heh heh heh ***evil grin with a wink wink wink*** xoxoxo

  8. Ahhhhhh.....turtles. We have one too. I posted on February 12th about ours if you want to check it out. It's caused a fair amount of trauma around our house as well lately.

    I love your story. :)

  9. Snidely never looked back, huh? It must have been Grandma's elbow!

  10. Nooooooooooooooo I will never crack, never! I hope?!?! LOL

  11. I loved the story. Too funny!

  12. Hi Damama! Thanks for stopping by. I've canned the verification Just for You! It's late on Friday and I can't read all your good work right now - but will be back tomorrow. Just wanted to let you know I'd be happy if you want to share the Hitler poem for schoolkids. If you can just keep the copyright intact - that's all I ask.

  13. Tammy - I ABSOLUTELY loved your turtle story!
    It makes grandma's elbow insanity sound tame by comparison! I highly recomend it to anybody who wants a good laugh... and to feel better about having a kid who goes nuts over germs... click the link above and go read it.
    Angela - Yeah - I'm sure it was Grandma's elbow.. umm humm.. yeppers. Nothin' at all to do with the fact that he HATED ME! ;o) Love your new site. I HAVE to remember to change my sidebar Go Learn Something link!
    Lisa - OOOOOOH YEEEEES - Just give it up, chick. Hubby was doomed with just me and 2 boys. Do you REALLY think you have a snowballs chance in Houston (not what you though I was gonna say, was it! ha ha ha)?? I recommend starting out with something small that can be easily confined. Like, mmmmm... A TURTLE! LOL!
    Rosebud - Glad you got a tickle.
    Poetikat - Thank you! And I will absolutely make sure that copyright stays intact! Wouldn't have it any other way! As a matter of fact, before I send it off, I'll email you a copy of what I'm doing and tell you to whom it is going so you'll know. See you soon!


    To all - As always I am overwhelmed by your presence here. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING!

  14. Ah, poor Grandma. Traumatized by a turtle for no good reason. At least it made for a really funny story!

    I can totally relate to the constant loop of stories. My husbands Grandpa does that. His volume control is set at REALLY LOUD all the time, too, so it makes for some good times. I just adore hearing the exact.same.stories over and over and over until my brain tries to escape and go to Tahiti.

  15. My hubby used to say we lived in a sit-com, and he was right. Sounds like you always lived in one too!

  16. Burgh Mom - for no good reason? I have secretly all these years (nearly 20 of them) have thought she kind of deserved it for not paying attention to her grandson. heh heh heh **evilest of evil grins**

    It's nice to know someone else whose elderly relative does this. One of my most fervent prayers is that I don't become that old lady! LOL! (Not my MIL... the general "that" old lady! LOL!)
    Dragonstar - Thank goodness there's someone else out there whose life resembles a sitcome! AIN'T IT GRAND!!

  17. Hum? I kind of thing that a sit-com of my life would be a cross between The Osbornes, The Archie Bunker Show and the Mickey Mouse Club. You got it. Insane.

    I have laughed and read this story to my daughter, my mom, and even the hubster.Good stuff!

  18. My mother-in-law also has a loop! A very very small one. Perhaps a little snacking turtle on her elbow could add a straight stretch to the loop!

    Isn't it curious how they just run like the dickens and never look back once they think they've "escaped" us??? so ungrateful!

  19. Rosebud - I think a turtle would be the perfect pet for you, too. At least it couldn't run faster than you can right now! ;o)
    Annie - Yay for loopy relatives! LOL! ;o) And nope, turtle innoculation helps none a bit! Sorry.

    Ungrateful is right! After all I'd done to .. errr... for him! LOL!

  20. I have to update on my earlier comment. My mom started talking about the turtle today and I found out that it was my grandpa who drilled the hole in its shell (We did this so it could be near the ditch by our house which usually had water in it.), its name was Timmy Turtle, we let it go so it could find a winter home, and yes, our dachshund was named Snapper because of the snapping turtle. Isn't it strange how we remember things from childhood?

  21. Hehe Fid's and naked Fids!

    My pets are numerous but the boys don't ask for more at least not yet. They do bring in stray bugs yet or animals but I'm sure my turn is coming with these two!


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