If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Damama's Use It or Lose It Advice on: Hubby School 101

Hubby came home with these beautiful roses for me and I couldn't resist showing them off. He does this kind of thing on a semi-but-not-so-regular-that-it's-trite basis. Sometimes it's just some little thing he saw that he knew would make me smile. A few times it's been wild flowers he saw and thought of me. He discovered Wal-Mart's online music stuff recently and has made me a couple of CDs with songs that he knew that I'd love, but also with some thrown in that he said made him think of me every time he hears them.



This is the reason that I don't get all upset when we don't make a big deal out of anniversaries, birthdays, Valentines, and other traditional holidays. Unlike some women who only have those few days to look forward to being treated special, I am blessed to have married a man who treates me with love, respect, and kindness every day of my life. And then he goes and throws in just enough silliness to keep me laughing most of the time.


How did I get so lucky?? Well, partially it is because he's a man with a good heart. But I bet most of you married your husband at least partially because you loved his heart. The only thing that I have done differently than most of the women I know is that I have spent years nurturing and honoring any and all efforts he's made at being kind, loving and respectful. And I have never yelled, nagged, or complained about his mistakes.


Only once in 27 years have I returned a gift he bought me. It was a pair of diamond stud earrings he bought because he knew I liked small ones. He didn't realize that he'd purchased baby earrings and the posts were too small for my lobes. I exchanged them for the exact ones in grownup size. And he was right, I loved them.


I wore a man's bathrobe for 6 years because he bought it for me for Christmas. Silly? Not when you know that the reason he bought it was because the color matched my eyes and he thought I would look good in it and that it would keep me warmer than those flimsy robes that generally populate the women's racks. He actually put thought into it, and I honored that. And I loved him for it so much that I put my own silly opinions aside and wore it until it wore out. If I hadn't listened, really listened to his reasons for selecting it BEFORE I made some harsh comment about the fact that it was a man's robe, I'd never have heard him tell me that he loved the color of my eyes and thought the robe was perfect because of that match... and I would have forever killed a piece of his willingness to ever try again.


Over the years I've worn a few things that I didn't particularly like all that much. But instead of frowning or scoffing and making him feel bad about the purchase, I'd spend the next year or so showing him catalogs and playing the guess which one I'd like best game to teach him more about what my taste was (and to learn what his was, also) whether it was in watches, rings, clothes, or sleep wear. By the next time he decided I needed a new something, he'd pretty much have my preferences figured out. And if he was slightly off again, it didn't matter because I knew he was making the effort and THAT is what REALLY mattered.


These beautiful roses are a prime example. For years, he would bring me the traditional cut flower arrangements. And I'd put them in water and oooo and ahhhh over them (even the really gaudy ones in the early days), but when it came time to throw them out I'd always comment on how sad it made me lose them. That's when he started bringing me live plants knowing full well that I'd probably end up killing them anyway - I have a brown ... no make that a black thumb. But that's OK because they will still last longer than the cut kind. I don't recall ever saying, "please stop bringing me cut flowers and only bring me the kind that I can kill on my own." He heard it, though, because I hadn't taught him to shut his ears to everything I said in order to avoid hearing me nag and complain and belittle his efforts.


Each of us teaches the people in our lives how to treat us. If we accept abuse, we get abused. If we give respect, generally, we get respect in return. If we expect love and kindness, and show that by giving love and kindness, it will come back to us. Relationships are all about teaching and learning how to bring out the best in each participant.

What are you teaching your husband about the person you think he is? Have you taught him that you value and honor him, warts and all? Or have you taught him that he can't do anything right and is too stupid to allowed out of the house alone to shop for you? If you constantly find yourself disappointed with what he buys or does for you, maybe it's time to stop and figure out how to change your lesson plan.

Class dismissed.

31 comments:

  1. What a beautiful post! Your husband is a real treasure, and treasures need to be cared for. The way you've cared for your treasure over the years has immeasurably increased its value. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good one Damama! I started a post awhile back but never finished it -- it was called, "Ya Get What Ya Give" -- along the same lines as yours. I will have to revisit that. PS -- i still think a little NICE nagging is essential...but that's me! TTFN, Amomthing

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for that beautiful lesson, Damama! I've printed it off to review as needed (which for me, I'm sorry to say, is fairly frequently).

    Have a lovely day!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow. Good advice. Thanks. Margie

    ReplyDelete
  5. Great post! I have a wonderful husband, too. I love hearing about the good marriage. Mine's like your's, we don't always do a lot of celebrating on holidays like that, and I tease him that he's not the most romantic guy, but he will surprise me with flowers once in a while and it makes me happy. It's better than getting them all the time. They tend to lose something if it happens too often.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I grew up in household where my dad could never do anything right. Mom was never satisfied with anything Pop purchased, clothing or most other purchases. Odd jobs around the house were never done the way she wanted, so Pop learned to avoid doing the jobs as long as he could. I'm sure you get the idea. I think I have tried to learn from my mom's mistakes. I'm not perfect by far, but I do think it helps the relationship I have with my husband.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sounds like a real gem of a husband. Sounds like you are a gem of a wife too!!

    Christina

    ReplyDelete
  8. I've been blessed with a husband like that, too. I never really thought about my responses changing that. I have always tried to be thankful for everything he does for me. I'll be sure to always show my appreciation for J., now that you have pointed this out. Some people are surprised at how romantic J. still is after nearly fourteen years of marriage. I think you have touched on the key reason. Do you mind if I share your wisdom with others when the opportunity presents itself?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow. What a wonderful post. Thanks so much for visiting my blog. I'm so new at it and your comments make me smile. This post is so timely for me. I needed to hear it. Thanks a bunch.

    ReplyDelete
  10. As lucky as you are to have him, he is luckier still to have you. There is a special sweetness to savoring life's everyday treasures. With small daily celebrations like the ones you and he give one another, who needs Hallmark holidays?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Huge huge lesson! Thanks for the reminder...I needed it.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You must be a wonderful wife to bring out all the best in him.
    What a great guy!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Very good lesson. Your husband is a lucky man, and you are a lucky wife. It sounds like you nurture each other the way a husband and wife should.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Damama!
    As I read this post, my husband is sitting next to me at the dining room table (picking his fantasy English football team) and I just had to draw his attention to the description of your husband because he is exactly like mine! I said to him, "Hey Hon, listen to this, it's just like you!"
    We don't make a big fuss over the traditional big "lovey-dovey" days, but every day is filled with lots of little elements of romance...it's all in the putting the other person first. I'm not saying we're perfect, by any means -- we have our share of doozy battles, but we respect each other, we forgive each other and we keep the "I love yous" coming on a regular basis.
    Kat

    (Stop by and read my recent poems and stuff.)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Very good advice, and so well said. You should be doing marriage preparation classes. I've seen so many marriages fail because of plain old selfishness.

    BTW thanks for the kind words in your comment to my last post. ..."And bad parents give their kids everything they want. Good ones give them everything they NEED, and make them earn most of what they WANT" I have a few in-laws that are of the "give-them-everything-they-want" and "don't-tell-them-no-you-might-hurt-their-feelings" type. For some reason they feel they should say things in front of our kids that make us look like rotten parents. So, I just had to throw that in my post about us being bad parents.

    Next time we have to have a family get together for something can we just invite you and forget them?!? LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hmmmmm Mama making me think! THANKS for the reminder and the lesson my wise, wise friend.

    When are you staring YOUR book? You should have an advice book for new brides!

    Hugs,

    Me

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thanks for the beautiful reminder to give and take...and build up your spouse rather than tearing them down.

    I LOVE yellow roses, by the way.

    ReplyDelete
  18. You are one lucky husband!! I need to send my husband to the school yours came from!

    Enjoy him!!!

    ReplyDelete
  19. That's exactly what I say--why should I care that we celebrate Valentine's Day as a family, WITH OUR THREE children? I've got a husband who shows me he loves me in a million little ways.

    Not the least of which is how often he makes me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  20. My husband is a lot like yours. Unfortunately, I'm not more like you. I think I need to print this out the way kalynne did so that I have a constant reminder to not nag so much. Thanks for the insightful words of wisdom...yet again. May I be able to put them to good use in my own life.
    Sandra in ABQ*

    ReplyDelete
  21. Damama, I love you.
    Finally, someone who explains what REAL romantic love is all about.
    God Bless.
    Annette in BC

    ReplyDelete
  22. I love this post. Have you seen any episodes of Jon & Kate plus 8? Maybe someone should send a copy of this post to Kate so she'll stop yelling at her sweet hubby all the time. Anyway, where have you been for so long? LOL - I need your encouragement on my last post. Take care and come back soon!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Awesome! Makes you think that is for sure. And personally, I love any type of gift from my hubby and I especially love men's robes!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Awww, how sweet! That is incredible, too bad all men aren't like that!


    www.kathy-iamwhoiam.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  25. Your hubby is amazing!! We don't make a big deal out of holidays either, alot has to do with finances, but the biggest reason being that just sitting in bed curled up with each other after the kids have gone to bed, and watching a movie is more important to me than anything else.

    Beautiful post. Thank you.

    ((HUGS!!))

    ReplyDelete
  26. I cannot believe I let this get away from me like this! Thank you all for your wonderful comments!

    Dragonstar - I love the way you said that! Your poetic soul is showing, my love. Thank you!
    ==========
    Allison (Amomthing) - I can't wait to see your post. PS - I still think that if it's nice, it ain't naggin' ;o) xoxoxo
    ==========
    Kalynne - I taught the philosophy PHD a lesson. WOW! Now my head will be so big I'll never get it through the door again! LOL! Actually, it's not really all that hard once you get the hang of it. Good luck!
    ==========
    Margie - Glad you think so. Thank YOU!
    ==========
    Deb - Amen to the losing something if it's all the time. It's so muc more special when you don't get to expecting it. Glad you have a great marriage, too.
    ==========
    Anonymous - I'm sorry you grew up in a rough situation. But what a special person you must be to have learned from your mother's mistakes! I'm betting your husband cherishes you, and if you have kids you are a wonderful role model. Keep up the good work!
    ==========
    Christina - Thanks. I try to be a gem, but I still have some rough edges. I'm just grateful that Hubby loves me, warts and all, too!
    ==========
    Brandi - I'm honored that you would want to share my advice with others. Please feel free to share away!

    It is always so nice to hear of other couples who have great relationships. My heart hurts for women who aren't as blessed as we.
    ==========
    Burgh Baby's mom- thank you, ma'am.
    ==========
    Whirligig - Thank you, also. I love your blog. Especially since we have so much in common. Isn't this blogverse amazing.

    My Blissy, Lucille (see her comment below for a link to her blog), is another with whom I have an enormous amount of stuff in common. As she said to me recently, this is proof that God is in control. Out of all the blogs on all the websites on the whole Net, how is is that we should have come together? Amazing, huh! xoxo. See ya over there again soon.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Comments responses - round 2.

    Squirrelmama!!! AMEN! But then don't we still find ourselves standing there looking at the silly cards and buying $26.38 worth to mail off to our kids who live elsewhere? WHO?? ME?? LOL! Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you again soon over at squirrel central.
    ==========
    Hey Miss Michelle. Glad to have been of service. xoxo
    ==========
    Jill - I've often wondered if it's me bringing it out in him or the other way around. whatever it is, I'm sure glad we have each other.
    ==========
    Heather - I wish we could bottle it and give it away to those who need some extra nurturance in their marriage! Thank you!
    ==========
    Kat - Very well said by a very talented poetikat! Are we not too blessed for words, even? Now go give your hubby a big hug and then pop him in the back of the head for me and say, FANTASY FOOTBAL??? What ARE you thinking???? Just kidding! ;o) LOL!! TTFN
    ==========
    Lisa - Marriage counseling, nah. There'd be the billing, and the insurance claims to file. Appointment to schedule - too much work. LOL! Actually, I did a lot of counseling as a worship leader at my previous church. It is hard to do counseling work on an even part time basis. I don't know how the fully shingled counselors do it!

    YOu are welcome for the comments and DO NOT allow your inlaws to intimidate you. They are not the ones who will have to ultimately answer for how your kids turn out. Stand tough. Everyone will be better for it in the long run.

    xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  28. Comments responses - round 3.

    PS to Lisa - The way things are going with my family right now, we may just have to get together and form a whole new one! LOL!
    ==========
    LUCILLE!!! MY BLISSY!!!
    Book?? You offering to help cowrite it?? ;o) (((BIIIIIIG BEAR HUGS)))
    ==========
    Angela - I'm still lovin' that haircut! And you are welcome for the reminder. As humans it's too often to get all caught up and forget sometimes.

    You love yellow roses too?!? Can you tell me how to keep them alive???? xoxoxo
    ==========
    AZmom - Silly - you are the teacher. Maybe I need to do a Wife School 101 post for you to give him? Hubby suggested some good stuff for it already! Will have to get to work on it right after I finish my family rant thing I'm currently workng on.

    Go HUG your BUG for me, OK!! xoxoxo
    ==========

    ReplyDelete
  29. Comments responses - round 4

    Heidi - I've always secretly thought that same thing about celebrating with Valentines day with the kids. I also don't like for Hubby to give me Mother's Day cards - I'm not HIS mother! LOL!

    Thanks for popping in.
    ==========
    HI Sandra - I'll be praying for you,kiddo. Believe me, you can do it. Just keep remembering what life would be like without him in it. NO Stop thinking about the toilet seat thing (another whole post that my blog sisters won't be quite so fond of) and the dirty clothes on the floor thing and the dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher thing. Think about the HIM thing (no not that part thing - the WHOLE him thing! Dang woman!! ;o) ) What would your life be like if he was suddenly just gone? Would what you are about to say or do be the last thing you want to remember with him? If you can keep that in your mind and in your heart, you can overcome the nagging thing pretty quickly.
    ==========
    Annette - I love you, too! And thanks for getting that this IS a romantic kind of love thing.
    ==========
    Susan - Haven't seen that one, but I'd be willing to send it to that Everybody Loves Raymond show (which I HATE because of this very thing!) and that new one with the big guy who played Raymond's brother (can you tell I watch a lot of tv?? NOT!). I've seen it only a couple of times but it's just another Raymond show. YUCK!

    Sorry I was away. As soon as I saw your comment here I came and checked on you. Hope all is OK now. xoxoxo
    ==========
    Kristi - Thats wonderful. I bet you will have a long and happy marriage, too! Thanks for stopping by.
    ==========

    ReplyDelete
  30. Comments responses - round 5

    Kathy - It is true that not all men are like that. But most can be taught to be. It just takes a woman who is patient and loving enough to be a good teacher. Loved the song you posted, by the way.
    ==========
    Pam - As long as you have warm arms, soft kisses, and kind words, the rest is all just stuff. And you still amaze me, lady. xoxoxo
    ==========

    OK! I'M FINALLY CAUGHT UP! And I'm going to bed!
    G'nite and sweet dreams, all!

    ReplyDelete

WELL HOWDY!! Thanks so much for popping in to leave a note. PLEASE be sure to check the box by "E-mail follow-up comments to..." so that you'll get my response to your comment. I almost always respond personally And sorry for making you do the Word jumble mambo. I wish there weren't A***ole spammers running rampant in the blogverse!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails