If you can't make it better you can laugh at it. ~Erma Bombeck


Friday, January 11, 2008


I was tired. It had been a long week that involved leaving home at 5:00 each morning to drive 65 miles from our rural home to my client’s training facility where I was being paid to shove the all new and all powerful Microsoft Office Suite into the brains of people who didn’t want to learn this particular new thing. The company was migrating from WordPerfect and Lotus. The employees, however, did not understand why it was necessary to fix what wasn’t broke. They knew and were proficient in WP and Lotus, and had no desire to change. This final day of beating my head against the brick walls that doubled as their brains had started off worse than usual.

I mentioned the rural home thing. Well, this rural home had a rural driveway consisting of crushed shale and limestone that shifted under foot. I had ruined so many pairs of high heels trying to get from the car to the house and vise-a-versa that I’d given up and started wearing my fuzzy slippers to and from. This morning I’d gotten a late start and didn’t notice until I saw my reflection in the mirrored entry doors on my client’s building that -- you guessed it – I was still wearing said fuzzy slippers!

I went back to the car and discovered that I’D FORGOTTEN MY SHOES ENTIRELY! Thank God there was a brand new, 24-hour Wal-Mart store about a mile away. I sped over, ran in, grabbed the first pair of cheap black, passably professional shoes I could find and dashed back to the facility just in time to greet the first students at the door. THOSE WERE ABSOLUTELY THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SHOES I’VE EVER BEEN FORCED TO WEAR IN MY LIFE! Around 3:00 p.m. I gave up and told the ladies that I really didn’t care if it was unprofessional or not, I was going barefoot. However, I’d waited too long and already had blisters the size of the polar ice caps sprouting all over my feet.

So there I was, in pain literally from top to bottom. Because of having to endure the daily 130 mile round trip drives, plus the stress of pushing and prodding the unyielding masses, plus the facility’s rigid break scheduling rules that prohibited untimely recesses, in addition to the blisters, I was also nursing a mammoth migraine and a Colorado River sized log-jam of constipation. (I know – that’s a visual you could have done without, right!) The only saving grace of the whole week was the eager anticipation of having dinner that night with one of my best friends – none other than my very own wonderful Bug.

He got to Carrabba’s early and had a table waiting. I’d stopped at the drugstore for some stuff, as my granny would have said, to fix all what ailed me, so I was about 20 minutes behind him. He knew something was wrong when he saw me weave toward him and then just sort of slither down into the booth, but I assured him that I’d be fine if I could just get something to drink and down some pain pills to dull the headache. I dug around in the bag and pulled out a box from which I extracted the much needed analgesic. When I glanced up at Bug, he had the strangest look on his face. I didn’t care, though. I was too focused on getting the wrapper off to give a rip what he was thinking at that moment. I just kept wrangling with the blasted thing thinking when did they start putting foil wrappers on Tylenol and why were the capsules so large?? I looked Bug again and could tell he was obviously dying to tell me something, but I had more pressing business at hand, so he’d just have to wait a minute. I finally got one unwrapped and only when I felt the greasy, slick, bullet in my hand did I realize it was a suppository!!! I’d almost downed a cotton pickin’ suppository!!

GOD HELP BUG! I thought he was going to fall off his chair laughing. And apparently I wasn’t the only one who was worried about him falling over, because the ladies at the table next to us were openly gawking at his antics. So he felt the overwhelming need to explain to them why he was laughing so hard. Then I had to worry that THEY were going to fall out of THEIR chairs laughing! Before it was over with they’d told everybody within a 4 table radius plus the waiter who proceeded to have to go tell the manager who knew me because we ate there so often! After regaining his composure, the waiter decided that it’d be a good idea to rush our order a little so I could get home to bed. That, alone, got him a huge tip that night!

I think I remember reading somewhere that is very unhealthy to consume rich, heavy, Italian food without including dessert. (Something about balanced nutrition???) So any time Bug and I go out to dinner we share some sinfully rich and decadent delight to complete our meal. And with the week I’d just had there was NO WAY I was leaving there without my sweet treat. We quickly decided on cheesecake. With both strawberry and chocolate sauce on the side. We’d almost finished the whole thing when Bug sweetly offered me the last bite. I thanked him kindly as I reached my fork over to get it. But I was so tired that I actually missed the food and drew back an empty fork.

Bug looked very concerned and asked, “Mom, are you sure you’ll be OK to drive home?”

“I’m sure,” I lied and motioned to the waiter to come refill my coffee thinking that if I could just get enough caffeine in on top of the Tylenol I’d be quite OK. Then I once again reached for the piece of cheesecake taunting me from the plate – AND MISSED AGAIN! I thought, DANG! Maybe I shouldn’t try to drive that last 30 miles home.

I shook my head to clear my vision, and when I missed a third time I actually picked up the fork and looked at the end of it to make sure that it wasn’t bent or something. I was beginning to feel like I’d stepped into the Twilight Zone! Thank goodness Bug had kept up an endless stream of chatter during the whole ordeal, so I was pretty sure that he had been engrossed enough in conversation that he hadn’t noticed my last two failed attempts.

Being one to never refuse a challenge, I was determined that I was going to have that last blasted bite of cheesecake if it took all night long! As I made the fourth stab at it I caught just the tiniest glimpse of a hand as Bug rotated the plate ever so slightly just before my fork made contact. And even then, it didn’t really register why I couldn’t get that dang cheesecake onto my fork! As I sat there looking puzzled, suddenly he could no longer contain himself and burst out laughing again so that our whole half of the room was craning their necks to see what the ruckus was. Only THEN did it finally dawn on me that he’d gotten me but good.

Now, every time he wants to remind me that he can get me whenever he wants to, he simply acts like he's turning a plate and grins like a cocky billy goat.

And the moral of the story? No matter how cute he is, never ever share your cheesecake with a Bug!!

Peace, Blessings, and un-wrapped analgesics all 'round!


  1. You poor thing! What a day.
    At least you were able to end the whole thing with cheesecake. As far as I'm concerned, chocolate and cheesecake can make anything better.
    I hope your feet get feeling better.
    Take it easy,

  2. Help!!! I should never have read this when I needed to visit the "smallest room"!
    OH, it's so good to have a laugh!

    (have I put in enough !!!!! do you think?)

  3. I miss word perfect. I liked it much better than this stupid word. Hate Walmart shoes and feel for you and the blisters they gave you. And I didn't even know they made suppository tylenol. YUCK! Get some sleep and I hope your headache went away.

  4. LOL!

    That was awesome! I can't believe you had WORDPERFECT in a story and I knew what it was. Gosh - Blissy - I used to teach that software along with LOTUS - we are long lost sisters! :)

    I thank you for the chuckle and for starting my Saturday with a smile! I hope your headache and blisters are better today!


  5. Wow! Your post makes me want to go crawl back in bed. I'm really glad the cure didn't make it to your mouth. I didn't read ahead and you had me in suspense over that one.

    Oh, no! I just got a glimpse of how my sons will be a few years down the road (especially Baby Bear).

  6. How about posting some family pictures? It's been years since I've seen your hubby and the boys.

    Your Cousin In Law

  7. "Colorado River sized log-jam of constipation. (I know – that’s a visual you could have done without, right!)" OMG!!! did you actually put this in writing...this is the closest I've come all week to peeing my pants.

  8. Jill! Welcome, newcomer. As soon as I get done here, I'll pop over and check out your blog.

    You're absolutely right that the two miracle Cs are wonder cures.

    See you soon over at Thou shalt not whine.
    LOL Dragonstar!! Should I start posting a PEE FIRST advisory for you? And as far as the !!!s... haven't you noticed that I'm particularly fond on them?? Seems everything I say is exciting to me!!!!!

    xoxoxox Glad you got a giggle (and a wiggle!!!)
    Deb in OPKS - Why on earth has it been so long since I've been over there to check on you, Peanut and the family??? I'll be by soon. In the mean time, don't freak out too much. I guess I should have said that the suppository was for the log jam, not the brain buster. LOL!!

    It's so nice to know there are others out there who preferred WP to MSW. It was just so much more versitile!

    See you over in your world, soon!
    Lucille???? This blissy thing is getting way too freaky now. I can't believe that you also taught PC apps. Don't we ROCK!! Luv ya!!
    Howdy, Brandi. You aren't the only one who's glad that thing didn't make into my mouth. However, I have often wondered if Bug would have actually peed in his pants if it had! ROFL!!!!!

    And, Yes, sweetheart - you have glimpsed your future. Be afraid. Be very afraid. ;0) See you over at OWINGS soon. xoxoxo
    KAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O.M.G.! I can't believe you actually signed and can leave me personal comments!! I'll get some pictures up soon - or in the mail - or on the family webpage - or all three??? I don't know why I didn't think of that sooner! Hug His Baldness and the kids for me, OK.
    Love you, cuz!
    Michelle - WHAT??? You've never been backed up all the way to your eyebrows??? LOL!!

    You obviously have not been hanging around here long. LOLOLOL! There is absoltuely no telling what'll come off my fingertips at any given moment.

    Thanks for stopping by. I'll see you back over at that french place soon.


    I guess I should have mentioned up front that this happened almost 10 years ago. I thank you all for your well wishes, but don't worry about me. Other than laugh tears smearing my makeup with the rememberance that night, I'm just fine. And even better now that you've all shown so much love.

    Big Bear Hugs back atcha!

  9. I have feet that are cube shaped - tall arches, short size 5's and as wide as they are long. I feel for you on that one. I HATE uncomfortable shoes. Since I stay home now, I don't have the brave professional shoes anymore and I DON'T MISS THEM! I wear fuzzy slippers A LOT!

  10. Oh. My Gosh. Thank goodness you didn't eat the suppository.

  11. What a wonderfully, funny story. Reminds me of one. My sister was sick, throwing up and all. She lived across the street from my aunt who gave her a suppository that was supposed to stop the nausea. She took it home. Later that day, my aunt asked her how she was feeling. She said she was still sick but that was the largest pill she ever tried to swallow. Bahahahahah
    Love ya

  12. Huh. It's not appropriate to train a class when not wearing shoes. Huh. That's interesting. I'm still not wearing shoes when I'm training, I just think that's interesting.

    Can I just tell you I KNEW Bug had to be messing with you when you couldn't get the cheesecake to meet your fork! Now, I would never do such a thing, but I would totally think about doing it after watching someone nearly eat a suppository. Nothing like a little extra grief to make you really feel like you've got it all together.

  13. I think I would have just thrown down the fork and ate the cheesecake by picking up the plate and putting my mouth right over the top of it.

  14. Hi Angie. I'm glad to see you here! I've seen you other places and actually checked out your blog the other day. I need to check back soon.

    YIPEE for fuzzy slippers! I've also become addicted to the slide-on tennies. Mules? Isn't that what shoes with no back are called? Anyway I think if I had to wear high heals now days I'd have to turn down the job! ;o) TTFN!
    Angela - A.M.E.N. Can you imagine them having to call the paramedics to resuscitate Bug when he passed out from laughing? LOL! DANG KID AND HIS WEIRD SENSE OF HUMOR! I wonder where he got THAT?? (innocent look)

    I'll be over to see you soon. xoxo & TTFN
    Margie - O.M.G.!! Poor girl! Thanks for sharing.
    xoxoxo and when ARE you going to start blogging??? ;o)
    BBM - I guess that depends on for whom and where (wherem?? lol!) you are holding said training sessions. My big business, good old boy dominated clients think shoes are necessary.. go figure! LOL!

    ROFL! Looking back I can totally see it, too. And yes, it IS something I'd probably do if I thought about it, too! But at the time it was not at all clear.

    Hug that precious baby girl for me, ok! See you soon over at BB's world.
    Heather - Now why didn't I think of that at the time! Sure would have been a great way of spoiling Bug's fun. Or it might have just given him something else to crack up about!

    Thanks for poppin in! I really do need to come see what's up in the boys' lives these days! TTFN

  15. OMG That was hilarious! I'm sorry u had such a rough day, but what a story. I was covering my mouth and snorting through my nose so I wouldn't wake the baby with my laughing!! Oh, and the cheesecake sounded marvelous - gonna have to try that one out. Better days ahead, Susan

  16. I think you should have just worn the fuzzy slippers. Maybe the rock heads would have lightened up and learned the new program.

    That was such a funny story, I'm glad you shared it. It's so nice when I can get at least one good laugh in during an otherwise stressful day.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I do try to stay upbeat and positive. Although, if you check my blog you'll see I havn't posted much lately. Maybe it's because the kids have been couped up in the house (or maybe I just like to blame them) but they have been driving me nutso lately. Hard to find humor in the things they do, when they are bouncing off the walls. O.K.... now I'm done with the self pity rant.

    I've added your blog to my favorites so I can check back often to read about your wonderful life.

    Here's to a whole day without headaches and being "backed up all the way to your eyebrows"


WELL HOWDY!! Thanks so much for popping in to leave a note. PLEASE be sure to check the box by "E-mail follow-up comments to..." so that you'll get my response to your comment. I almost always respond personally And sorry for making you do the Word jumble mambo. I wish there weren't A***ole spammers running rampant in the blogverse!


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