Teen driving revolutionized by Ford! (???)

My Girl has finished her driver education course, but is really balking at taking the test to get her learner's permit. It is the strangest thing I've ever seen in a kid! To give her some credit, she and The Boyfriend were T-boned a couple of months ago, which scared her pretty bad. Thank God that's all it did! In a weird way, I'm sort of glad she's in no hurry. I'm not sure I'm ready to unleash her on the motoring public just yet!

Oh, what's that? I forgot to tell you there was a Boyfriend? Ummm.. sorry... Well, there is. And he's 22. And he's one of the best things that has ever happened to her so pick your jaw up off the ground and get over the fact that I am, indeed, allowing my 17-year-old daughter date a 22-year-old college senior. You'd just have to see them together to know how good they are for each other. Besides, that's not what this post is about. Yes, I promise more details in the near future, but for now, on with why I brought up this whole driving/wrecking thing to begin with...

It seems that Ford Motor Company thinks it has come up with the solution all parents have been clamoring for since the first time the first teenager put pedal to metal. They have devised a feature that will let parents set limits for teens. AN 80 MILE AN HOUR LIMIT! Go ahead, pop over there and read the article and then come back. It is short, but fascinating! (Note: if you right-click and select "Open in a new window" you won't lose this post to go read the article. And you know who you are that needs that advice to keep you from accidentally closing the windows and having to log back in because you are afraid to have the computer remember you for fear that someone might hack your computer and hijack your passwords.)

Welcome back!

Ok, so they've got a pretty valid reason for setting the upper limit at 80. I can see where once in a while one might have to accelerate up to 80 to get out of the way of a wreck. IF ONE WAS ALREADY GOING 70+ BEFORE THE INCIDENT HAPPENED!!! And they said that "Just lopping it off at exactly 70 mph was felt to be too limiting." TOO LIMITING???? I THOUGHT THAT LIMITING THEIR SPEED WAS THE WHOLE POINT?!?!?!?! GRRRRR! As far as I'm concerned, 60 is plenty fast enough for the first six months they are on the road alone. There are plenty of surface roads to get from here to anywhere without having to ever get on a freeway.

They go on to say that they are going to make "...use of technology, and through the magic of software, we're able to build features on top of the features we already have." COOL IDEA! Love that anti-theft thing, but how about asking mothers what that new build should look like. As a matter of fact, I won't wait for them to ask. Instead, I am sending the following suggestions in an email to their Public Affairs Department.

According to the article, "In addition to speed limits, MyKey also will limit the volume of the audio system, and it will sound a six-second chime every minute if seat belts are not fastened. The chime sounds for adult drivers, too, but ends after five minutes to avoid annoying adults who adamantly don't want to wear seat belts." (aka IDIOTS)

Really?? You can do all that with a smart key? WHOA NELLY! Then how about programming that sucker to:

-- Allow PARENTS to set the max speed for their child based on when and where they will be driving using a formula of maximum SAFE speed plus 10. (With a maximum of 65 for emergencies only.)

-- Send parents a text message EVERY TIME the speedometer climbs past the maximum safe speed. Better yet, include their GPS location in the message. Might as well know where they were breaking the rules while we are at it!

-- Allow NO radio or sound system of any kind if they go over their parentally-determined speed limit. Yep, that's right -- JUST CUT IT COMPLETELY OFF!

If keys can be smart, then why not seat belts?

-- Come up with weight/size based seat belt alarms. If the weight in the seat is X then it's going to take a minimum of Y amount of belt yardage to surround it. Just buckling it and putting it behind you would trigger the shutdown of the sound system until all seat belts were properly fastened around all those chubby little tummies. And speaking of 'all those' ...

-- How about some butt alarms that count how many kids are in the car. I know here in Texas young drivers are limited on the number of passengers they are allowed to carry. Why not send mom a text message when the butt count exceeds that limit? AND CUT OUT THE RADIO until the butt count is corrected.

And if the keys, belts, and seats can be smart, why not the antennae?

-- Let's go ahead and rig the car so that cell phones don't work from inside it as long as the engine is running. And for safety's sake and Mom's peace of mind, why not add a communication system (including a phone cam!)that can only call three or four parentally programmed numbers: 911, Mom, Dad, and one alternate. How else are you gonna keep them off the phones?

So what I am proposing is what I call:

DAMAMA’S TOTAL MUSICAL SOLUTION

-- If the speed isn't immediately reduced or the infraction isn't corrected, within 30 seconds, automatically kill the car’s audio system and activate external speakers that blare nursery rhymes like I'm a Little Teapot, It's a Small World, and If you're Happy and You Know It. Or how about some Okie From Muskogee? Better yet, how about THIS. heh heh heh!! How quickly do you think that car could decelerate to 60 or under?? How fast do you think that seatbelt would click or somebody's butt would be booted out the door? Probably not nearly fast enough for the totally humiliated kid in the driver's seat! Definitely not fast enough to keep us parents from going prematurely gray.

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road. ~Author Unknown

The elderly don't drive that badly; they're just the only ones with time to do the speed limit. ~Jason Love

May all of our children live to be old and slow. Like they think we are.

Important Notice from the DTD

Contagious Neck Rash Identified by Dumbbutt Teenagers Department (DTD)

(Illustration only - not an actual picture of this particular outbreak)



Houston, Texas (September 9, 2008) - Damama T, Zookeeper and Warden President and Founder of the DTD, today issued a health alert to the parents of all teens. The DTD has uncovered a potential health threat to teens as evidenced by a recent and unexplained outbreak of Purple Neck Rash syndrome in the home offices of the DTD. The malady seems to primarily effect females between the ages of 17 and 18 and usually appears after bouts of exertion such as going out on a date. While males may also be effected, the DTD has not yet seen any first-hand cases.

In an effort to stem the spread of this unsightly and often painful disease, Damama T has issued official warnings to the male most recently in contact with the DTD's resident disease carrier citing the need to refrain from applying any oral pressure to the effected area thus causing further spread of the rash. Doing so could potentially result in the parent's need to take whatever steps are necessary to contain this outbreak, up to and including indefinite quarantine of the afflicted teen.

Any parent observing Purple Neck Rash syndrome should use extreme caution when examining the discoloration as the teen carrier may exhibit signs of excessive agitation. Continued attempts at examination may incite the patient to bellow that the examiner is "out of your flipping mind and too stupid to know what you are looking at! IT IS JUST A RASH!" Additionally, upon learning that the DTD intends to notify the boyfriend other potential victims of the appearance of the rash, the teen may lose total control and resolve into a fit of the hysterical screaming mimis. Parents should not take this behavior personally as it is a normal part of the progression of the disease.

The discoloration will resolve on its own within one to two weeks, usually leaving no permanent scarring, but this does not mean that the patient has acquired an immunity to the disease. Reappearance of PNR is not uncommon as teens tend to regularly cross-contaminate each other. However, with any luck the fear of future extended quarantines may provide enough behavior modification to reduce the number of outbreaks.

For additional information on why teens do what they do, the DTD highly recommends that parents read: Teenage Brain Development. This scientific article has played a huge role in the reduction in the number of murderous thoughts experienced by the staff of the DTD. Hopefully it will help others, too. (For real.. no joke. Go read it!)

Adolescence is perhaps nature's way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest. ~Karen Savage and Patricia Adams, The Good Stepmother